My confused pity party

Life for me has been difficult lately.  Very luckily, none of the difficulty lies in my personal life--just the work life.
One co-worker accused me of being passive aggressive because I don't fight back when another co-worker lashes out at me.  I don't consider it being passive aggressive, I consider it being who I am.  I'm an introvert--so I've been told by professionals.  Do I believe a person who's gone to school to help me, or a co-worker who has none of that training?  Is it helpful to tell a person they're doing something wrong if you mean it in a kind way when what you're saying isn't right?
Needless to say, doubts fly around in my head every day now about who/how/what I am.
According to my handy dandy dictionary, an introvert is:  a person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
That sounds like me.
Passive-aggressive is:  of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.
I'm sure that can be me as well.  I avoid direct confrontation because it frightens me, it always has.  So I think of how I feel in such situations and do nothing.  And work has demanded things of me that I absolutely refuse to do--like become a person I'm not.  I'm not sure that's "indirect" though.
I'm probably making excuses for myself.  I know who I am--and I'm continuing to learn more as I slowly change as life happens.
I'm a sarcastic
goofy
sensitive
quiet
boisterous
intelligent
funny
nurturing
supportive
stubborn
anti-social
awkward
basketcase.

I wish I could use more of the un-used brain cells I have to try to figure out a way to explain myself in a way that would help people understand that I have no idea what I'm doing, I just want to survive the day without a headache or an undue amount of stress.  I'm pretty sure if I could figure that out, it'd help a lot more people than just me.

Soap Box

Growing up in a small agricultural community, I learned to respect the will of Mother Nature.  If the weather was bad, crops were bad or livestock died.

Now that I'm an adult, I see Mother Nature in a whole new light.  The land can be misused and species can be hunted to extinction--Mother Nature can only do so much to fix that.

So I have my soap box.  I don't eat or use products that contain certain ingredients:

• Parabens--not necessarily because of the environment, but because they've been linked to cancer.  They're found in almost everything in bodycare, generally near the bottom of the list of ingredients, and there's multiple types, so anything that ends in -paraben is a no-no for me.
• Oil palm tree derivatives--found in every.damn.thing anymore.  Sodium laureth (or lauryl) sulfate, palm oil, partially hydrogenated palm oil, etc. are found in food products and in bodycare--shampoo, hand wash, toothpaste, etc.  Palm oil plantations are taking over Southeast Asia and leading to deforestation of rainforest land, specifically and most written-about, orangoutang habitat.
• "Made in Japan" or "Made in China"--this is the most recent thing, and mostly because of the discovery that China and Japan are slowly killing off endangered species that will likely be unable to rebound.  On the land and in the sea, animals are being killed for "delicacies" in these countries.  Asses.
• Beef.  I'm trying to cut back on this, which is a bit hard to do where I live.  It's a cattle culture around here.  I'm not cutting out red meat all together, I'm trying to switch to wild game or bison.  Beef is very bad for the environment because of the amount of water needed to keep them alive and the fact that they let off methane, an even worse greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide.

I get fired up about stuff like this.  I'm turning into quite the treehugger.

Random Fun Facts

• I don't like winter because it's cold
• I do like winter because there's no stinging insects flying around
• Somehow I forget why I like winter in January when it's -20 and I have to shovel
• Kangaroos have three vaginas
• I have no idea if they also have three penises
• Olives are best eaten at room temperature
• The drive between Spokane and Bozeman is very mountainous and twisty
• Lily ate my sugar wafers off the dining room table today
• I didn't tell the Mister
• Caffeine in Excedrin makes me sleepy
• I'm still trying to figure out why chili is hot, hamburgers are made of beef, and a wine cooler makes me sweat
• The word diarrhea, broken down into it's word parts, means "run through"
• I'm looking forward to turning 30
• Geography makes my world go round
• Running with scissors isn't safe

I make no excuses

I is who I is.
I'm unapologetically, unabashedly, outspokenly, and some other -ly's anti-social.
Some people live for friendships and some people live for going out at night to party.
Other people love entertaining in their home or throwing parties for family.

And then there's me.  My idea of a good day is coming home after work (where I deal with people all day long) and sitting down to relax w/my dogs.  Sometimes a walk is involved.  Sometimes should be more often, but I'm lazy.

If there's a crowd, I avoid it.
If there's a party, I make excuses.

I have few friends, but the friendships I do have are very close and very important to me.  I'm all about quality over quantity.

I love my Mom.  I don't like my siblings--my brother is an abusive (verbally) bully who claims to know everything there is to know; my sister is so self-centered and mentally ill that I don't know how she's managed not to get the shit kicked out of her on a regular basis.

I have a couple of truly awesome cousins who come from amazing parents.  I honestly can't believe I know, let alone am related to such wonderful, warm, sweet, kind, loving people.

I am blessed to have what I do, be loved by those I love, and I'm happy to be me.  Most of the time.  When I'm not having a bad day at work.

Lily and Amber, Amber and Lily

This is Lily.

She's going to be 3 months old in 2 days.

Her hobbies include:  chewing on sweat pant drawstrings,

chewing on Amber's face,

torturing Smudge,

being soft,

chewing on the fireplace,

and being absolutely adorable.

I love to pet her and she loves to try to eat my hair.  

I always regret leaving my hair down at home.

This is Amber.

I love her.

Amber's special, she has anomalies.  

I call them Amber's Anomalies.  Aliteration is my thing.

This is Amber's "spot".  It's black.  She's a golden retriever.

I absolutely, positively LOVE this spot.  I always have, always will.

This spot makes Amber Amber.  

With this spot, I can pick Amber out of all goldens.

With this spot, Amber's unique and mine.

We almost lost the spot this year when a cyst was taken off the back of her head.

Damn vet cut right into her spot! 

She didn't know Amber's spot is loved.

I almost cried when I saw her spot was gone.  That's how much I love it.

But it grew back, so all is right on Amber's precious head.

Amber's other anomaly is on the tip of her tail.

I noticed these few white strands of hair earlier this year.  They're a bit odd.

White, right on the tip of her tail?

It's like she dipped her tail into white paint or something.

Strange.

But, again, it makes Amber Amber.  And I love Amber.

I could write poems about Amber.

But that would be weird.

So I'll just continue to adore her special anomalies and not victimize you with bad poetry.

And let the dogs bite each other's faces for fun.

I'm a guilty hypocrite

Or just a hypocrite.  Or just guilty.  I haven't decided yet which I am or am not.  I wanted to type amn't, but I didn't.

I'm what some (mostly my friends and family) would call a treehugger.  Or a hippy.  The Mister often tells me I have bark on my shirt.  Needless to say, I like green things.  When the new Macbook commercials came on last year announcing them as "green" and "recycled" I got tears in my eyes.  No lie.

I feel guilty for wanting the latest & greatest technology--in our house we have an iMac, 1 old big TV, 2 LCD tvs, and various other techie things, iPods, Blackberries, etc.  And I want MORE!  I love technology.  I don't know how people existed when I was 9.  Walkman?  Please!  Who puts moving parts on anything anymore?

Obviously, these things will eventually break, or are designed to break easily so they can be replaced, and something new will be purchased.  The stuff in our stuff isn't always good stuff.  I know that.  But I love my stuff, so I guess I'm a treehugging stuff-lover.  It seems a bit of a conundrum.  What to do, what to do....

I have a small car.  Below is a picture of me driving my super-awesomeness of a small car.  It's name is Nigel and he rocks all other cars (except other MINIs, since all MINIs rock).

I love my little car.  Small parking space?  I can parallel like a professional.  Only 13 gallons in my tank?  I can drive to Ohio.  Almost.  I don't have to feel too guilty about my carbon footprint with 30ish mpg city and 36ish mpg highway.  Right on!

However, I love my little car for more than just it's cute factor and the great efficiency.
I like to drive a little crazy.  Not too crazy, but somewhat pedal happy.  I lovvvve to take turns at 20+ mph and I being first in line at a stop light so I can vroooom! right past everyone.  I mean, the license plates say RROAR, so shouldn't the car get a chance to do that?  Every time the opportunity presents itself?  Oh, and getting on the interstate!  -sigh

Needless to say, my mileage goes down then.  And I drive everywhere.  I know I should ride my bike, but I love to drive.  I'm torn because I feel like if I don't drive my little car and everyone else does, what can it hurt?  My footprint isn't that big.  On the other hand, I know that every person that doesn't drive makes a difference.  Guilt, thy name is Mel.

I recycle, though.  And I have an electric lawnmower.  I make sure to buy phosphate-free cleansers and I even switched cat litter to wheat stuff instead of clay.  Everything I can get in organic cotton I have.  

I hope I'm not reincarnated as a sea-faring bird who gets slathered in crude oil--if I die before we run out of oil.  Or someone (shame on you, whoever you are!) saves oil to throw at birds.

Merry Christmas! (a little early)

Who makes it so?

I don't know who decided civilized is the way to go, but I don't really like them.

I watched the movie The Invention of Lying and thought, wow, I would really like to be one of those people!  Life would just be so much easier if people could come out and say what they're really thinking.

For instance, when I get bitched out at work by a co-worker, it'd be a lot easier to deal with if she came out and said, "You make me feel insecure about myself and my hair, so I'm going to be really bitchy to you.  Probably forever.  But you might catch me on a good day when my hair isn't so hideous.  Take advantage of those days if you want."

And to that I could reply, "You're right, your hair is horrifying today--do you pull it back that tight to give yourself a cheap face lift?  Because it really just makes you look old and witch-like."

Or, in another example, at the checkout line of the grocery store, instead of the "pleasant" chitchat the checkout person attempts, they could just say, "I'm a college student and my parents won't pay for my gas, so I have to work here.  I hate it here.  I see you just bought a cucumber and condoms.  Are you here on a dare or are you just really lonely?"

I would say, "I don't blame you for hating it here--standing all day, trying to remember all those stupid codes for fruits and veggies, having to wait when someone has to price check something and seven people are in line staring at you.  The cucumber's for my puffy eyes and the condoms are for the usual purpose."

See how much simpler that is?

Realistically, I understand that no one really wants to talk about the cucumber and condoms (no, I've never bought that combination), or hear the bald truth that yes, you do in fact, look crypt-keeper old.  Then again, if you're on the receiving end of the nasty truth, you won't like it. I'm guessing the receiver of the nasty is the One Who Makes It So.

Considering how far we've come in 150 years--women can wear pants, servants aren't (always) treated as slaves with no options, and people in America have an equal right to vote no matter their sex or race, it can't be all that bad.  But I still think it'd be nice if blatant honesty wasn't something everyone feared.  There's scarier things out there--like bed bugs, and book burnings, and Glenn Beck.

Our Home

This is the Before video




And this is the After video--hard to believe we've been here for almost 5 months!

Back in the day....

Amber used to be a puppy.  About 8 years ago she was a puppy.  I remember it very clearly.  I think.
Now that we have this Lily puppy, I compare her in my mind to when Amber was a puppy and I'm pretty damn sure Amber was much more well behaved.  Of course, my mind may be blocking any horrible memories I had in the hopes I'd get another puppy someday.  My mind's clever.

When Amber was a puppy, she was just precious (picture quality back in 2002 was crap)

Who can't love that face?

What a precious baby!

Wet face after attacking the shower spray

Of course, back in those days, we had Gunner to wear little Amber out...

He was a great big brother!  He'd take her to exciting places in the apartment--by pulling her by the ear.

Eventually they needed a "recharge"

Ah, those were the days.  We miss you, Gunner!