Dear reader: this is the story of the Beginning of Us. It's a bit long. If you plan to read the entire debacle in one go, I applaud your stamina and ability to roll your eyes and read at the same time.
However, if you need to take a break every few hundred words, I blame you not.
Either way, be warned that I originally wrote the story almost 10 years ago and I was still in the honeymoon phase, so drama overflows this page. I apologize and sympathize.
If, after reading that, you plan on forging ahead, there will be a quiz afterward, so take notes.
(I'm kidding. Not about the drama, just about the quiz.)
I grew up in a small dinky town. Population, somewhere around 6,000. On a busy day 6,023 (I made up that number). Nothing to really do. Look outside because it's so pretty. But you can only do that for so long.
I started messing with computers and stuff as a senior in high school (when computers started to become more available to the general public (now I feel really old)). I read a lot, still do. My parents got me a laptop for my graduation present, except it arrived a couple months before graduation--it ended up being a birthday/graduation present. I got online on my birthday and downloaded a chat program called Virtual Places by Excite. I "met" someone there who took me to a chat room called The Happy Hour Bar, obviously shortened to HHB. The "someone" became a close friend and so I ended up hanging out with him in the HHB all the time. A couple of weeks before I graduated from high school I met someone by the nickname of Straight_Shooter. He wanted me to check out his new and exciting! webpage. He'd just started working on it and was pretty excited because it was going to be so cool. I went along, checked out the page, then left. There wasn't much to the page at that point so I wasn't exactly impressed. I didn't see Shooter for another month or so. Mid-June I ran into him again in the HHB. This time we ended up talking a bit more. He invited me back to his updated webpage and I went to check it out.
I became a frequent visitor to Shooter's page when I'd go into chat. Through the course of many conversations, he told me he was getting married to a woman named *M. They'd been together for about 7 years. The wedding date was set for May 6, 2000. At this point, I was excited for him--but that didn't last long. I asked him where she was and why he was online and told me she lived w/her parents and he lived w/his mixed family (Grandma, sister, cousin, and niece). Mister, aka Shooter, said they saw each other a few nights a week, but at that point they were trying to save money for their wedding and house, so they didn't go out much. yadda yadda, we chatted more. He showed his picture and I thought, hmm, he looks funny. It was the picture on his work ID. Well, duh, he's supposed to look silly on an ID. He showed another picture and I thought, o0o, he's cuuute! Then I showed my picture and he said I was a hotty. I laughed at him, because I was definitely not a hotty. Thus, we knew what each looked like. Over the period of another month or so, we started chatting with each other more and more. We traded more pictures. He turned out to be a really great guy. I got depressed because he was already taken. Woe is me.
I located him as soon as I got into chat every day, he located me as well. People in chat started to question us being "together". We just ignored them. We were happy talking to each other. The more I got to know him, the more he turned out to be the perfect guy for me. blah@him for being engaged. Jerk!
There we were, blissfully chatting all summer long. By the beginning of August, I knew Mister was the perfect man. Everything we said to each other was perfect. -sigh
It was such a first love...
Then I had to leave for college. I tore apart my bedroom, packed everything I could. And I got depressed because I wouldn't be able to talk to Mister for weeks. I figured it'd take that long to get connected to the net after I moved, because at that point in time, getting Internet access was difficult. My mom and I spent our last weeks together peacefully. The weekend I was leaving for school, Mister was supposed to be a couple hours out of Toronto camping with *M. He told me goodbye the weekend before he left. We were sure this would possibly be the last time we'd talk for some time. We (but mostly me) cried because we'd gotten so close over the summer. It basically sucked. The last week, I barely got online because he wouldn't be there. I said goodbye to my family the night before I'd leave. I got online to say goodbye to all my friends there, when "knock knock knock" on my ICQ and Poof! Mister's online!! Yay!!!!!
He'd come home two days early with the (terrible) excuse of having to mow the lawn. *M wasn't too happy. But I was!! I'm horrible, I know. But he'd come back! Just for me!
Within a day, I'd gotten my cable Internet hookup and I was online! Yay me! I scared the shit out of Mister. He thought I'd changed my mind and stayed home. Not quite. But he was very happy to see me again.
Now I was in college and finally away from parents who thought I stayed online too much. The semester started out fine. Mister and I were really close.
We talked online every day.
I went to my classes. Most of the time.
I must have been in school a couple weeks before Mister gave me his number and told me I could call him if I wanted, as long as it was between 4 and 6 his time. Of course I was ecstatic! I got back from class one day and decided to call him. I dial, he picks up. He sounds kind of funny. He tells me to hang on a second, then he's says, "OK I can talk now". He told me he'd just gotten out of his dentist appointment. He'd gotten a couple cavities filled, so his mouth was still pretty numb. That's why he sounded funny. Plus he's kind of whispering. Because he's at *M's house. That phone conversation didn't last very long. We said goodbye, then I sat down and got depressed.
He got online a couple hours later, apologizing profusely. He was so sorry that he'd done that. Needless to say, the first phone call sucked. But I called again another day...and all was good. He had the sexiest accent! oh my!
We'd been chatting for about 3 months now. I knew I was in deep. How could I have feelings for an engaged guy? Was I just completely brainless? We were chatting one night and I said, hey Mister, can I tell you something? He says sure. Then I can't do it, I just can't do it. He's sitting there going, what? what? what do you need to tell me? And I'm just saying, never mind. But he badgered me. And bugged me. For half an hour he asked what I needed to tell him. Finally I just said screw it and I said, "I think I'm in love with you! OK!?!? Are you happy now?! Do you feel better!?!?!" I cringe now at the drama. Oh, do I cringe. There are literally wrinkles being created just from remembering the drama of that moment.
He didn't say anything for a few seconds. Then he typed, "That's good, because I think I'm in love with you, too." well, shit. Why'd he have to be like that? The first time I tell a guy I love him and it's over the computer. And he's 2000 miles away. How shitty is this? Pretty damn shitty, if I may say so myself. And I say so!
I sighed to myself. And we sat there and typed to each other some more. Then I called him, I think. We talked, but he didn't say it.
Over the next 2 weeks I waited for him to tell me over the phone, let me hear it from his mouth. I asked him why he didn't after a few days and he said he didn't know why. I told him it was probably because if he said it vocally that'd mean he was really cheating on Michelle. He'd already been tied up in knots over falling in love with me in the first place. He didn't think it had been possible to love more than one woman at the same time.
Finally, finally! just as we were hanging up one night he blurts out, "I love you." And I blurted it right back. And then we hung up. hahahaha@us. Then we got back online and yelled at each other, oh my god, you said it! oh my god, I said it! ahhh...love. What a confusing thing. More wrinkles.
After that, everything was pretty even-keeled for a few months. Mister called me on his cell phone every night. And on the nights he didn't have a phone card to pay for the call, I called him. Or he just called me with out a phone card. Which probably wasn't a good idea considering that he had a company phone. We talked about what we were going to do. We bounced the idea of meeting on my spring break back and forth. I worried about being in a relationship that couldn't possibly go anywhere. October, November rolled by. We kept talking. I really didn't get much studying done. I basically didn't study at all. I ended up dropping one class because I couldn't concentrate on the subject matter. It wasn't a must-have core class, so it didn't really bother me. And the TA pissed me off. (I worked on these excuses, obviously?)
I ended the semester in December barely passing. I went home for Christmas vacation for a month. Mister and I kept talking. We couldn't decide whether I should try going to see him in March or not. I wanted to, but I didn't. He wouldn't be mine and I'd only be setting myself up for more suffering. Mister wanted me to come see him, but he didn't. We both knew there was no way he could get away for a week to visit me or that he'd be able to take the time off from work to even meet me halfway. He couldn't lie to *M. They still saw each other a few nights a week. But they were both really trying to save money, so they mainly just talked on the phone when they could. If they did do something together, he'd just tell me that he had something to do. He wouldn't mention her name to me. He knew that I was upset enough as it was, just knowing he was with her. Christmas was a really hard time for both of us. We wanted to be together so bad. The whole time I was opening presents with my family, I was thinking about him opening presents with *M. It was horrible. I think we snuck away to the computer to wish each other a Merry Christmas, but I can't remember for sure. All I can remember is being utterly miserable and trying not to show it. There was no way I could tell my family that I was in love with an engaged man 2000 miles away.
During Christmas vacation I brought up the plan to meet Mister in Toronto over my spring break to my mom. She just laughed and said, Okay. She didn't think I was serious. I'd never traveled away from home by myself before. At that age, I'd done very little by myself at all.
New Year's Eve, Mister went to a party with *M. Mom and Dad went to a party out of town. I stayed home alone. We'd gotten some non-alcoholic champagne so that we could toast in the New Year together. They told me they'd be home in time to ring in the New Year with me. It got late and they hadn't called. I started to get worried, because I always worry about everything. Finally, the phone rang. It was Mister! He'd come home early from his party with *M and her family so that he could call me and we could ring in the new year...at least hearing each other's voices. I opened the bottle of fake champagne and got out a glass. Mom and Dad walked in the door at 11:57. I was still talking to Mister. He kept asking if I wanted him to let me go so I could celebrate w/Mom and Dad, but I said no. Midnight came, Mom, Dad, and I clanged our glasses together and yelled Happy New Year. I snuck off into another room and whispered to Mister that I loved him. I cried because we were so far apart and I couldn't kiss him. It was still sweet that he'd come home early just to talk to me. -sigh
And so the year was 2000.
Before I went back to school, I remember Mister calling me one night and Mom answering as her and Dad were going to bed. Dad got upset, saying, "She doesn't need to be getting calls this late at night." And my mom replied, "Donald, calm down, it's not like they're having phone sex." *insert giggles
On January 12, 2000 I went back to school. Mister and I debated what we were going to do.....still. If I was going to go see him for spring break, then I needed to buy the bus tickets soon. There was no other transportation I could take, it would be too expensive. The cheapest I could get the tickets was $121, and that would have to be 3 weeks before the departure date. Otherwise the price went up. Mister and I both knew we didn't have much more time to decide. At that time, he was still moving forward with the life he expected to have--taking out a mortgage, finalizing details on the wedding. I was trying to be happy for him, because he was starting his life, but I just couldn't pull it off. I remember him calling me one day on his way home from the bank where he'd been seeing a loan officer. He was talking about really needing to get the loan for the house, otherwise he didn't know where he and *M were going to live after they got married. I kept saying, "Well, I hope you get it. I know how bad you want it right now." (The loan!) But I kept thinking, please don't let him get it, please don't let him get it.
He ended up getting it, of course. Finally, around the end of February, I knew I had to shit or get off the pot, so I went out with some friends and picked up the bus tickets to Toronto. It cost more than it should have because I waited too long. But I had the tickets and I made sure that I paid for it with my own money. I told Mister I had to pay for it by myself. He told me that even though I had the tickets, if I still didn't feel comfortable getting on the bus, not to do it. He would understand. Through my whole indecision, he told me that if I didn't feel comfortable, not to come. He was so kind to me. Even though we both knew we wanted to meet so badly.
I went home the weekend before I picked up the tickets. I told my Mom that I was going to Toronto for Spring Break. She was a little shocked, to say the least. She didn't believe I'd do something like that. I told her Mister and I wanted to meet. She still thought we were friends because I'd never told her about how we felt for each other--I felt guilty that I was in love with an engaged man. She asked me where we would go and what we would do and I told her that he would probably just take me around the city and let me do all the touristy stuff. Maybe go to Niagara Falls. She told me to come up to work one day. She'd told all her co-workers in her department (5 or 6 women) what I was doing. I went up and they all chewed my ass. Was I going to meet his girlfriend? Was she going to go out with us? Was she OK with this? What if Mister's lying and he just wants to have sex with me? What if he's lied all this time and he tries to hurt me? Oh boy, did they lay it on thick. Question after question. She took me to all their cubicles and let me have a piece of their minds. Never before had I minded them knowing the details of my life. But now I just wanted to yell at them to shut up, it was my life. My brother even talked to me, told me he didn't think I should go. He's my big brother and I'd always listened to his advice. I said I'd think about it. I went back to school more tired than I had been when I'd taken off for home. My dad wouldn't even talk to me about it he was so pissed off. I could barely concentrate the rest of the time for school. The time was almost up. I had to make a decision.
Mom called me the whole week before Spring Break. She called and cried and pleaded with me not to go. How could I do this to her? If I came home, I could sleep upstairs with her (she thought I didn't want to stay downstairs in my room or something). She'd just read this story about a girl going to meet a guy from the Internet and bad things happening to her. If I went, I'd better make a f*cking will, because I was going to die. It was all horrible....I've always been so close to my mom and now I was growing up and doing something on my own and she didn't like it one bit. I told her this was something I had to do for me. I wanted to meet Mister for me. I wasn't doing this to hurt her. It was me. I guess I was being selfish, because this was for me, it wasn't about anyone else. My brother and Mom called me a lot that week before I was supposed to leave. Nobody could talk me out of it. Mister was completely patient with me through it all, even though I knew he was nervous about what we were doing.
Finally, the first day of Spring Break came. I packed my stuff. I was so scared. Not of Mister, just of the bus trip itself. Mom had tried scaring me, once again, telling me that the people on the bus were going to try to hurt me. The bus was supposed to leave at 10 AM. There was a huge snowstorm coming down at the time. I called my parents one last time to tell them goodbye and that I'd call them on the way to let them know how I was doing. Mom pleaded with me one last time. She told me if I went, they'd cut me off from financial help for college. I said OK, I'm sorry, but I'm going. She said not to bother calling. I told her I loved her and we hung up.
That was hard, just leaving it like that. Then I tried calling Mister to say that I was leaving, but he didn't answer. I tried 3 or 4 times. Finally I just left a message on his voicemail, told him I loved him and I'd see him in a couple days. The friends that were dropping me off at the bus depot came to my room and told me it was time to go. I grabbed my bags and my coat. And the phone rang. It was Mister! Whew. But he was whispering. *M was there and he'd had to sneak away to call me. We said our I love yous and I told him I'd see him in a couple days. He said that if I still felt too nervous, not to get on the bus. -sigh. We hung up and I grabbed my bags again. I was so queasy. I couldn't believe I was doing this. After all the hours spent crying on the phone over what I couldn't have, all the sleepless nights debating over what I was going to do, I was actually going to torture myself with a piece of what we could have. We'd chatted online and on the phone for 8 months, a virtual eternity. Most people meet after only a couple weeks, no more than 2 months of chatting. I knew he'd be there and I wasn't scared of him. But it was still so hard.
My friends took me to the bus depot. I remember them sitting with me for a couple minutes, but they had to leave because of the snow and the road conditions. Neither of them knew that Mister was from the Internet or that he was engaged. They didn't know why I was so nervous. They thought it was because it was my first bus trip. I tried backing out a couple times...Maybe I shouldn't go....I don't know if I can get on the bus....I was so close to just going back to the dorm. But I didn't. They left. I sat there on the verge of tears until the bus arrived. I started thinking about something else. The test the following Friday. How many people there were getting off the bus. I gave my bags to the driver. Then I gave him my ticket. I waited in line, grabbed my backpack with a firm, sweaty hand, then climbed the steps and found an empty seat. There was no turning back...
I sat down in what I thought was an available seat. But people starting filing back on the bus and one person stopped by where I was sitting. I look up at this tall guy with long blond hair and a goatee. He looks kind of scary, (which makes him even scarier after all the bad things Mom told me about people who travel on buses), and he says to me, "You're sitting in my seat." I look around, then reply, "I'm sorry. Are both seats taken?" He said no, so I scooted over for him to take the window seat. He was wearing torn jeans and a beat up black leather jacket. I thought, Oh My God, it's a freaky biker druggy. haha...no, I didn't. But he kind of did look messed up. I later found out he'd been on the bus for a day already, so he hadn't had a chance to shower. No wonder he looked scary. Everyone got settled on the bus and sat down, then the driver got on the speaker and did his, "Thank you for riding with Greyhound...." yadda yadda. I tried to relax. But I was scared shitless. I was actually doing this. I was going to Canada. I couldn't get off the bus now. The guy next to me ignored me for a few minutes...and I ignored him. Mom had told me not to talk to anyone on the bus (the old, don't talk to strangers line. she made it sound like everyone on a bus was a mass murderer or something). Eventually, he introduced himself. He was Shane, originally from Montana and he was going to Indiana to meet a cyber girlfriend. I introduced myself as Mel from Montana, also. And when I heard he was going to see his cyber girlfriend, I told him I was going to see my cyber boyfriend...and then we didn't shut up. We talked for the rest of the ride to Chicago, where we parted ways. He told me about his girl, I told him about my guy. We exchanged e-mail addresses. He became my "protector" so that no one would pick on me. I'd told him about what my mom had said, so he made sure no one could attack the naive little small town girl going to Toronto. We sat together the whole ride. I took pictures of every place we drove through. When he left me in Chicago, I almost started crying again. I was alone all over again and wouldn't have anyone to talk to to keep my mind off what I was doing.
I called Mister, woke him up (because it was about 1 AM) and told him how the trip was going. He told me he'd see me in about 10 hours. Oh My God! 10 hours! We were so close! I told him I loved him and hung up. My bus was there. We got to the border at around 6 AM. I'd never been to a border crossing before. They asked the usual questions, I suppose. Where was I going? What was I doing there? How long was I going to be in Canada?....Was the person I was meeting someone I'd met on the Internet? Um, uh...
But I got through inspection fine. And I was in Canada. Oh boy. Now the panic and terror set in. What if Mister wasn't there? What if he got in an accident on the way to the bus depot? What if he just chickened out? What if he'd been leading me on all this time...no, no. He was sincere. But what if he just wasn't there for some reason? And I was stranded in a country where I knew no one and I couldn't even call my parents. Mom had specifically told me not to call her if anything happened. She wouldn't talk to me. Mister and I planned on him picking me up in London because it was closer to the border and that way we could talk on the way to the hotel I'd be staying at.
The bus reached London and my palms started sweating. I couldn't believe I was actually here. After all the pain and yearning and horribly long nights I'd spent for months thinking about meeting Mister...and I was finally here! The bus turned a corner and I saw the Greyhound station...around another corner....and I saw Mister's car! (he'd sent a picture) Mister was there! whew! The bus pulled to a stop. I was the only person getting off at this station. I looked out the window...and there he was. Mister. The man I loved enough to go against my family's wishes. He was smiling at the bus, he didn't know where I was sitting, but he looked happy to see the bus. I was so excited! And nervous. I climbed off the bus as he walked over...and I picked up my bags. Now that I was here, I didn't know what to do. He gave me a hug...and I hugged him back. I can't even remember what we started talking about. But he wouldn't let me have my bags. He picked them both up and carried them out to the car. He was so cute! I got in his nice clean car and he started driving. I clearly remember asking him if he had any gum with him. He said no, did I want some? I laughed and said, "No, that's OK, just get to the hotel fast. I really need to brush my teeth." Having never taken a bus ride before, I didn't know to bring basic toiletries with me so I didn't feel unbelievably grimy. He pulled over at the first convenience store he saw, ran in, and got me a pack of gum. He was so sweet! He was so eager to keep me happy. We both knew that the time we had together was going to be short. But at least we were together! Finally!
Up to this point, I haven't mentioned exactly what had happened all the months in between us meeting online and us meeting in person. Numerous times, one or the other of us would get too emotionally stressed and we'd tell the other that we couldn't handle it anymore. That maybe it would be easier if we just got away from the computer and didn't talk to each other anymore. What we did for each other during those months was almost as bad as it was good. There were so many times a day that I thought about Mister and how I was just torturing myself with only being able to talk to him and love him every day when he was just going to get married in a matter of months. To someone else. And eventually he'd forget about me. That was the toughest thought. That someday, after he'd gotten married and had a couple kids, he wouldn't even think about me anymore. While I would be completely miserable in Montana, living life, but only physically. I knew that if I had to live my life without him, I'd never be the same. I was 19 and had feelings for a guy for the first time in my life, please excuse the hyper-drama.
A couple of months before I went to Toronto I had an online friend ask Mister why he wouldn't take a chance with me instead of getting married to someone he wasn't that happy with. He replied, "I can't take a chance on something like that when I have my whole life here." Ouch. Understandable, but still...ouch.
At the time we were chatting, I didn't know that Mister had tried to break up with *M early on in their relationship. Nor did I know that he didn't really love her anymore, but he'd just gotten so used to being with her that he hadn't tried to change anything. If he had told me all that, I probably would've pushed him. But I didn't, so I couldn't, which was probably better in the long run. That way Mister was able to make the decisions completely on his own and wouldn't have to live with any idea that I had forced him into it.
Mister and I were on our way to the hotel. It was a Comfort Inn, just in case you were wondering. We didn't stay in Toronto because it was too expensive. We were about an hour and a half outside in a smaller city called Barrie. On the drive there, we talked about how my trip was, the people I met on the bus, etc. I think we were both trying to get over the nerves of finally meeting. I can honestly say that through my entire trip I was not scared of meeting Mister, the person. I felt no fear that he would attack me or hurt me physically. I realize it was extremely naive of me, but that's just the way it was.
We'd been talking online and on the phone for 8 months. We'd gone through sickness and depression and joy together, even though we were 2000 miles apart. I felt if I didn't know someone enough after all that time, even though it was only 8 months in the frame of a whole lifetime, then I probably wouldn't even know someone in person that well in that amount of time.
We arrived at the hotel and took our bags in. Thankfully, he watched TV while I showered, because I'm a compulsively clean person and I just had to shower after being on a bus for two days. Afterwards, we walked over to a Pizza Hut that was across the street and ordered a takeout so we could go back to the hotel room and talk. You'd think that after 8 months of doing nothing but talking we'd be talked out, but no.
I couldn't stop looking at him. In person! I can definitely say I've never been a physical person with guys. Up to the time I met Mister, I'd never even really been kissed. No one had attracted me, mainly because I grew up with all the guys from my hometown and I knew too much about them to really like them as people. And if I did like them on a personal level, I hadn't liked them on a physical one. But with Mister...I liked him both ways. Oh boy howdy.
We went back to the hotel, had our pizza, watched a little Canadian TV. I can't really remember what we talked about. I think I was too excited and nervous to really remember anything. Until he kissed me. Talk about a perfect first kiss. -sigh. Even thinking about it now makes me smile and gives me butterflies in my tummy. He was so patient and sweet and..wonderful. I knew that I hadn't been wrong to travel all the way to Toronto just to meet him. All the love I'd stored up over so many months basically exploded. Apparently, his feelings did the same. We could barely keep our hands off each other the whole time I was there. I won't go into detail...blushing will ensue.
I had the best 2 days in my life. Mister drove me all over Toronto so I could play tourist and take dozens of pictures. He took me downtown with it's super-tall buildings and he took me to the shore of Lake Ontario. I saw so many people. The whole state of Montana has less than 1 million people in it. The city of Toronto itself has over 2.8 million. In one place. It was a bit overwhelming. But I've always been an observer, so it's not like I was gawking with my mouth hanging open. It was so easy to admire all the structures and the people who worked and lived in them. He took me up the CN Tower (supposedly the tallest building in the world) and I stood on the glass floor looking down at all the people that looked like ants. He'd told me when we'd first started chatting that he wasn't a hand holder. But he knew I couldn't stand not touching him, so we held hands no matter where we were. We didn't talk about *M or his work or my life back in Montana. We were just together. The 2 1/2 days passed too quickly.
I was supposed to leave on Thursday night at 10 PM. That morning I woke up and couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't go. I cried. And I cried. Mister held me and cried with me. We'd been so happy together. Almost like the perfect dream, but it was time to wake up and face reality. Mister had a life to go back to. A fiance to go back to. I had school...and a hazy future beyond it. I begged him not to make me get on the bus. I told him there was no way I could travel for two days and not break down. I asked if there was any way for me to get a flight so that I could get it over with more quickly. He called the airlines to find out how much a plane ticket would cost. It was too much, to say the least. I couldn't stop the tears from running down my face. And he could do nothing but watch me. There was no way he could change what had to be done. We were both horribly miserable. I could barely eat all day. I knew I'd throw up if I did. How could I possibly leave after feeling what I did? I knew I'd love him until the day I died. It was...agony. There's no other word for it.
Eventually, we had to pack and he had to take me back to London to the bus depot. He drove too fast. I asked him to slow down so I wouldn't have to leave so soon. I silently cried and stared out my window. Mister just held my hand. I asked him just to be happy; be happy with the life he was going to live without me in it. At least he could do that. He didn't say anything. He'd just squeeze my hand. We got to the bus depot at 9:15. We sat in the car and kissed and held each so tightly. Eventually, I forced myself to stop crying. I couldn't stand it if I got on the bus and somebody asked me what was wrong. Mister stopped, but it took him a bit longer.
I'd forgotten to get a picture of us together. After the time we'd spent together, all the pictures I'd taken, I hadn't gotten a single one of us together. So I put my camera on top of his car and set the timer, then ran and held on to him in the chilly weather. The pictures actually turned out good. We went inside and I checked my bags in. Then we stood outside by the bus, waiting for it to load. He kept hugging me. I kept trying not to sob and burst into tears again. He gave me this little knife key chain, told me to keep it with me in case I needed protection. I looked at the two-inch long blade and laughed to keep from crying, but put it in my pocket nonetheless. The bus driver called for tickets. I waited til I was last in line. I hugged Mister one last time, and kissed him, then tried to memorize his face because this would be the last time I'd ever see him. He had tears in his eyes. I told him I loved him. I turned and gave my ticket to the bus driver, then climbed the stairs once again. I got a seat where I could see Mister. I stared at him until the bus turned a corner and he was gone. And I knew I'd never again in my life have to do anything so difficult as leaving the man I loved to marry another woman. It was over.
At the short break in Detroit on the way home, I called Mister on his cell phone. And when he didn't answer, I recited the following poem to his voicemail:
"You are so important to me, that I can't even begin to explain the significance of having you in my life. I think of you so many times during the course of a day; and the times when I can't be with you I try and think of things I can share with you that I know will make you smile. With you I am totally happy. You make my life feel so utterly complete. I can't ever imagine living my life without your being part of it because you are everything to me and I love you for it."
I'm not sure who wrote it, I forgot to get the author's name. Then I told him I loved him and not to be surprised if I didn't get online or answer the phone for a few days.
The bus ride back was uneventful after that. On the way the bus picked up a couple army guys and one of them sat next to me. He kept trying to hit on me and flirt with me. But I didn't exactly respond. It was weird. No one had tried that kind of thing with me before. He was kind of cute, but he had too many ex-fiances and I wouldn't have been interested anyway. So I just tried to be friendly. It figures some guy would want to talk to me when I'm heartbroken.
Anyway, I got to my destination and eventually back to school. The day after I got back was our (Mister and I) birthday.
This is where I offshoot and go on about how much odd stuff we have in common. So here goes...
Mister and I share the same birthday, eight years apart. He was dating a redhead named *M, while my redheaded sister, *M, was dating a guy named Mister. It took me a few weeks to catch that one. Very weird. We're both the youngest of three, with the oldest being a brother 2 years older than a middle sister. Neither of us likes our sisters much, but can stand our brothers. Neither of us even want to think about our biological fathers because they don't really care about us. And our mother's have each moved on to a new guy, whom we like. I don't know if that made any sense.
Back to the story...I got back to my dorm on my birthday. There were a couple messages on my answering machine from Mister. One was right after I'd left for Canada; he'd just called to say he hoped I had a safe trip and to apologize for calling while *M was there and having to whisper to me. The next was right after I'd left for Montana. He was crying so hard I could barely understand him. He was on the road back to Toronto after he'd dropped me off; he was so sorry he'd made me get on that bus. He wished that he could've kept me with him. That was the hardest thing he'd ever done...I started crying all over again.
After I calmed down I called my Mom and Dad to tell them I hadn't had any problems on the trip and that I was OK, and they said good and goodbye.
I spent my birthday alone in my dorm room. Mister went to *M's place to celebrate his birthday. My parents were so mad at me they hadn't even gotten me a card. I didn't really mind. I guess I thought I deserved it. I left a message on ICQ for Mister that said happy birthday and that I was home safe. And that was that.
Monday, March 20, 2000 Mister called me from work. I let the call go to my machine. He told me he was completely miserable and that *M had noticed he was acting "different." He said he was going to ask her to come over that night and tell her. I picked up the phone fast at hearing that! He was going to break it off with her, he wasn't happy with her anymore, he'd been happier with me in those few days than he had been in years. I couldn't believe it was happening. I really tried not to be too happy because I knew he was hurting at the thought of what he had to do. But geez! All my farthest-fetched dreams were going to come true. I hoped.
Needless to say, that day crawwwwwled by for me. Finally, Mister got home from work. He got online and told me *M was on her way over. We talked for a few minutes, mostly with me trying to calm him down and him trying to figure out what he was going to say. He was very nervous about what he was going to do. The wedding was supposed to be little more than 5 weeks away. Mister said he had to go, *M was there now. I told him I'd wait for him. He told me not to, that I'd better go out, this could be a while. So I told him I loved him and we got off the phone. I left, simply because I knew time would go by very slowly if I sat in my room and tried to wait I must have been out for an hour. When I got back there was a message on my machine. Mister was a little upset, to say the least. Breaking up with someone after you'd been together for 8 years couldn't be easy. He told me he'd known he couldn't tell her that he'd just cheated on her once. Otherwise she'd likely say something along the lines of, "I'll try to forgive you, but we can work through this." So he had to tell her that he'd cheated on her since they started going out. She asked how many women. He lied and said he'd lost count. She stared at him. Then she screamed (I already mentioned she's a redhead--mind the temper!) and yelled at him. Then she stormed out of the house.
Mister was tired. *M called him every 5 minutes that night. Calling him names, begging him, etc. It was very erratic stuff. She asked why, what had she done to make him do this to her? How could he do this? I hated every minute of it because I couldn't be there for him. It was even worse being 2000 miles away from him now that I'd been with him.
The next day, Mister went down to a travel agency and bought round trip tickets to Montana for the week of May 5-13. Yay! He was coming to see me! He was going to meet my parents! woohoo! Over the following couple of weeks, though, *M called him and cried to him over the phone. Then she called the guys he worked with (we still don't know how she got their numbers) and asked them if they'd seen Mister with any other girls. She proceeded to tell them that she thought he was going for guys now. She was telling all the men Mister worked with that he was gay! He got a lot of shit at work for that. We could do nothing but laugh at it.
In the mean time, I called my Mom. We were tentatively talking again. I told her that Mister and I weren't "just friends" but we were "romantically" involved. That was putting it just a pinch lightly.
My Mom is a smoker. Since I was a very small girl, I would cry to her that I didn't want her to get lung cancer and die. Well, she didn't quit when I was a little girl. She had quit right after New Year's 2000. By the time I'd called her, she hadn't smoked in little over 2 months. That was the longest time yet. I was excited. But when I told her that Mister was coming to Montana, that he'd broken up with *M to be with me and that him and I were involved now, she started smoking again. Talk about bad timing... Anyway, Mom wasn't really a problem. She was happy for me. I remember when I told her about it (right before she lit a new cigarette) there was a long moment of silence, then she yelled, "Did you use protection!?"
The hard part was my Dad now. Mister and I were going to have some kind of future together. He wasn't getting married. I was going to finish my classes May 3rd, then pack up and leave by the 4th, then pick up Mister in Billings at the airport on the 5th. I was a busy girl. But Dad still didn't want to even talk to me about Mister. He didn't understand anything about computers or the Internet. He barely talked to me when I went home after my big trip. Mom cried when she hugged me.
Eventually, Mom beat Dad down until he promised to at least give Mister a chance. Yay Mom! She still rules! The time moved too slowly for me. Days dragged by. I talked to Mister every day. I was so excited! We were finally going to be together!
All during my online relationship with Mister, no one knew (except other online friends) that we were romantically involved. My Mom, my friends, my family all thought that Mister was just a friend. Mind you, I'd been friends with a guy named Jim for months before. He's the one that introduced me to HHB in the first place. I guess it didn't seem so odd to them since I'd had a friend online before.
My point is, all through this time when I was depressed because I couldn't be with Mister, there was no one I could turn to. I was completely ashamed of myself for wanting someone who was already in a relationship. I felt there was no one I could talk to that would understand. And I was afraid to tell anyone in fear that they would tell me what I was doing was wrong. Mister was in a relationship and I was "the other woman" that was taking him away from his fiancee. I know he was his own person and could make his own decisions, but that didn't make me feel any better. I didn't feel "dirty" for the things we felt for each other. But I did feel ashamed. And I couldn't go home and tell my Mom that I was in love for the first time. That I'd found this really great guy that I wanted her to meet. I couldn't tell any of my friends that I was in love, either. They wouldn't understand how I could be with someone who was 2000 miles away. And that I communicated with over the Internet. A couple of the girls on my floor at school weren't too...open to the idea of Internet relationships. Nowadays, it's not even questionable to meet someone online. There are dating sites galore now, but at this point in time, only horror stories of men and women meeting were told.
I've always been a loner--I was never a particularly popular person during high school, didn't have any truly close friends. But not being able to share the utter joy of having found my "someone" was pretty shitty. Not having anyone to bounce my thoughts off of, besides Mister, was pretty difficult too. Not that he had a problem with it, because he was in the same situation as me. Who was he going to talk to about some Internet girl he was in love with when he was getting married to someone he'd been dating in real life for 8 years? I don't know how we made it through all that time without just giving up in misery.
Finally, after weeks of waiting, I drove to Billings to pick up Mister at the airport. As I was driving up to the airport, I looked up and saw a plane landing, and I knew Mister was on that plane. woohoo! I got there just as the plane had finished unloading. I'm looking all around, trying to see Mister. And he walks right up in front of me. yay! Mister was here! I ran up to him and gave him a huge hug. And one hell of a kiss.
He laughed at the state's biggest airport. At the time, Billings only had 4 terminals for planes. He had a good laugh. We went downstairs and got his luggage. He talked about his first experience with flying--I know, 27 and never been on a plane is a bit hard to believe. At his layover in Denver, he'd thought he was supposed to get his luggage from the plane he'd gotten off of and take it to the plane he was going to board. So then we got in the car and started our drive back to my hometown. It seemed like we'd just left each other 2 days ago, but at the same time it felt like we hadn't seen each other in years.
I drove in the dark while we talked. We got into town around 11:30 PM and checked into the hotel. I was going to stay there with him because my dad was still being a poohead about Mister. The next day we got up and went to the house. Mom was happy to finally meet Mister, she gave him a big hug. Dad just kind of grumbled, "Hi." and that was it. My brother wasn't even going to give that much. He avoided us the whole week Mister was in town. He came over one day in the middle of the afternoon. Dad was outside with Mister, showing him something, and Bobby drove up. He got out of his pickup, walked over to Mister, shook his hand, "Hello Mister, I'm Bobby." then walked to the house. Left without saying a word to me. He was still mad that I hadn't taken his advice--and still is mad! Meanwhile, Dad was really warming up to Mister. By the end of the week, Mister was the son he'd never had. (Dad's really my step-dad and Bobby has a different Dad than I do)
I drove Mister back to the airport after a week that went by way too fast. I can't even remember most of the stuff we did besides spending time with my parents. They loved him! I'd known they would...they just had to give him a chance. I cried when we had to say goodbye. Mister was going to try and get me airline tickets for me to fly to Canada so I could stay with him during my summer off, so I'd hopefully be seeing him again soon. But at least now he wasn't going to get married and we were going to be together.
Mister made it back to Toronto safely. He checked with the travel agency and the deal he'd gotten on his tickets had expired. There was no way he could afford to pay for tickets for me. I was miserable being away from him. I cried to him on the phone almost every day. So, two weeks after he left, Mom drove me down to Billings, to the bus depot. Yes, the bus depot. Again. I got my tickets, then stood in line; Mom stood with me. She told me how proud of me she was for growing up and standing up for myself. My older brother and sister had done their own thing, but they lived close to home. She said how, even though I was the closest to her emotionally, I would probably be the one that would live farthest away because I was independent. We both stood there, crying a little, each looking at each other as adults and friends, not just mother and daughter. She said how happy she was for me, that I'd found such a good guy. Then the bus started loading. We gave each other a big hug. Then I got on the bus...again....and went to Canada.......again.
This time around, though, I was going to meet Mister's family. He promised me they'd like me because they'd all hated (and I don't say that lightly) *M and were so happy that I'd saved him from marrying her. In any case, what followed was the worst and best year of my life. Mister's family really didn't like me, but that's a whole other drama. At the same time, I was with Mister. That made up for a lot.
I was in Canada from May 27, 2000 to May 12, 2001. After all we've been through...it was worth it.
On July 14, 2001 Mister and I got married just outside my hometown in the foothills, surrounded by those that were happy for us. We're building our life here, in Montana, where we both want to be.
So that's our story...and we're going to live mostly happily ever after.
