I am a lucky, lucky girl. I tell myself that at least a couple times a week. Not because I'm trying to trick myself into believing it, but because it's true.
I'm married to a truly wonderful man. Yes, he's fucked up, made mistakes, but so have I. I still love him passionately and he, apparently, after knowing me for 13 years, still loves me.
The beginning of our relationship was rocky, an emotional roller coaster (I'm talking Six Flags here, people, not the county fair), but we've since settled into a supportive, encouraging, stable partnership.
He's let me be who I am--let me live with him in Canada with no expectations of getting a job since we were constantly "we'll leave next month", pushed me to finish my college education while working part time, and once he was in a position to support us both, let me know it was ok for me not to work if I didn't want to.
That's the hard part for me: I was raised to believe I was an independent, strong woman who could do it all alone. Then I fell in love and the man I'm with allows me to stay at home if I so wish. And I do wish. I also wish I could get a job in my field, since he really wanted me to finish school.
While I wait for that opportunity, I get to be an at-home wife, cooking and cleaning while he's out working to provide for us. When he comes home at the end of the day, I'm not exhausted from dealing with people all day long (which can be extremely exhausting for introverts) and he can tell me about his day, whether it was good or bad, without me having a negative reaction because of my own shit (like I did when I was at my last job).
I've never had any other romantic relationship, so I don't know how this compares, but to me it feels pretty damn awesome--but that could be because I'm a spoiled little shit.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Speaking of...
Jobs. A couple months ago, a good friend of mine told me about a job opening that might be coming up this summer--a temporary, full-time position that (I thought she said) had to do with document scanning. In my last two jobs, I've done that. I'm pretty competent at it. So I thought, hey, maybe I should apply for the job. Especially since I know the people in the office and we've worked together in the past.
Then she suggested I contact her co-worker, who was my internship supervisor when I was in school. We had a good working relationship then (and it's how I met my friend), so I e-mailed him today.
...And now I'm freaking out.
It turns out the job is full-time permanent. And, from the bit he mentioned, it's got to do with mapping.
I LOVE maps. Seriously, if I could study a new map every day, it'd be the best thing ever.
But, I was hoping for a part-time job. I'm so fucked up in my head after everything that happened at the former job. I'm afraid of going into another office environment and getting the same treatment from different people. I'm scared that if I stay too long, people will start to get sick of me, act like a bully, or just have a bitchy attitude again.
This time, I know going in, to not pretend to be comfortable talking to people. I don't want people to get offended because I suddenly want to be quiet--I have to be quiet going in.
And the GIS aspect scares the living daylights out of me, because it makes the job something that I probably won't be able to do at all, so, fuck.
So either I can do the job (with help in the beginning) and I'm back in a setting where I'm scared shitless. Or I can't do the job, I'm not qualified enough, so I get turned down, again, for another job.
I'm going to go cry, throw up, or have a panic attack now.
Then she suggested I contact her co-worker, who was my internship supervisor when I was in school. We had a good working relationship then (and it's how I met my friend), so I e-mailed him today.
...And now I'm freaking out.
It turns out the job is full-time permanent. And, from the bit he mentioned, it's got to do with mapping.
I LOVE maps. Seriously, if I could study a new map every day, it'd be the best thing ever.
But, I was hoping for a part-time job. I'm so fucked up in my head after everything that happened at the former job. I'm afraid of going into another office environment and getting the same treatment from different people. I'm scared that if I stay too long, people will start to get sick of me, act like a bully, or just have a bitchy attitude again.
This time, I know going in, to not pretend to be comfortable talking to people. I don't want people to get offended because I suddenly want to be quiet--I have to be quiet going in.
And the GIS aspect scares the living daylights out of me, because it makes the job something that I probably won't be able to do at all, so, fuck.
So either I can do the job (with help in the beginning) and I'm back in a setting where I'm scared shitless. Or I can't do the job, I'm not qualified enough, so I get turned down, again, for another job.
I'm going to go cry, throw up, or have a panic attack now.
Monday, April 02, 2012
A New Start
The Mister got a job, yay!
He's training at the home store on the other side of the hill (mountain pass) for a few weeks, then he'll be working closer to home at a satellite store that's being constructed right now.
After living with him 24/7 for 3 months, I thought for sure that I would have a hard time being by myself again. It was nice to have the time together, but I'm happy he's got a job again because I know it'll help his emotional balance in a way that spending time together couldn't.
While I appear to thrive on time at home, he (as an extrovert) got a lot of enjoyment out of being around people all day. He also feels that he needs to be the provider in our household, so he feels better making a living, too.
Unfortunately, we only have one vehicle, which he obviously has to take while he's training in another town. So I'm homebound again. And hoping that once he gets settled in at the satellite store, I can start chauffeuring him to and from work so I can use the car when necessary. Which I seriously hope isn't too long, because I'd like to get at least a part-time job to help out.
I've found myself somewhat "haunted" by my previous job. I can't seem to move on from the things that were said and done while I was there. My biggest hope is that if I get another job, I can replace those workplace memories that still upset me with new, happier memories.
In the meantime, I get to play the housewife again while my man is out bringing home the bacon.
mmmm, bacon
He's training at the home store on the other side of the hill (mountain pass) for a few weeks, then he'll be working closer to home at a satellite store that's being constructed right now.
After living with him 24/7 for 3 months, I thought for sure that I would have a hard time being by myself again. It was nice to have the time together, but I'm happy he's got a job again because I know it'll help his emotional balance in a way that spending time together couldn't.
While I appear to thrive on time at home, he (as an extrovert) got a lot of enjoyment out of being around people all day. He also feels that he needs to be the provider in our household, so he feels better making a living, too.
Unfortunately, we only have one vehicle, which he obviously has to take while he's training in another town. So I'm homebound again. And hoping that once he gets settled in at the satellite store, I can start chauffeuring him to and from work so I can use the car when necessary. Which I seriously hope isn't too long, because I'd like to get at least a part-time job to help out.
I've found myself somewhat "haunted" by my previous job. I can't seem to move on from the things that were said and done while I was there. My biggest hope is that if I get another job, I can replace those workplace memories that still upset me with new, happier memories.
In the meantime, I get to play the housewife again while my man is out bringing home the bacon.
mmmm, bacon