Memory Day

I was cherished from the first moment I drew breath.  As I've been told time and time again by my Mom, my paternal grandfather AKA Granddad loved me like nothing else in the world from the time I was born.
I have very few concrete memories of him.  I know, in my heart, he was just a man, but I also know he was the very best Granddad I could've wished for.
From what I've been told, he told Mom at one point that if he could've taken me for longer when I was a baby, he would've breastfed me if it'd been possible.  That always made me laugh.
He spoiled me and loved me, both immeasurably.  I remember sitting on his knee.  I vaguely remember the sound of his voice.  It's hard to put into words the emotional blanket that wrapped around me when I was with him--I was loved and important, precious and a joy.  I felt all of that and more.
Some things come back in flashes--standing in the garage with him, being out in the garden with him while he weeded and I played with the ladybugs on the asparagus plants, watching him shave in the morning.
Sadly, childhood memories have faded.  Heartbreakingly, my Granddad took ill when I was about 8, I think.  He became emaciated and weak due to the illness.  His spirit was still strong even though his body was not.  I was no longer allowed to sit on his lap or be a kid around him.  When I visited him and my Grandmother, I was reprimanded by her if I listened to him about being playful or hugging him.  It was during one such visit that I must've realized that Grandmother was suddenly something like Granddad's jail keeper and I couldn't be a child around him anymore.
I called Mom and cried and cried and cried to her that I wanted to come home, Grandmother was mean.  After that, I was only allowed to talk to Mom on the phone if I promised Grandmother that I wouldn't cry to her.
It wasn't much longer after that that Granddad died.  I remember being at the funeral.  My aunt got up to talk about Granddad and cried and cried while she tried to speak.  I don't remember crying at all.  Somehow I'd already grieved because he'd been taken away from me first by the illness and then by Grandmother.
If there was ever one person I'd want to talk to who's been in my life and is no longer here, it would be him.  Not just talk to, I guess.  I'd really like to hug him again, tight, for a really long time.  Then I'd tell him I still miss him all the time and ask him if I'm doing ok, have I disappointed him?
I don't know what year, but my Granddad wrote a poem about me.  My Grandmother included it in a letter she sent to me about 10 years ago.
My Granddad wrote a poem.  About me.  It's probably not the best poem in written history to anyone but me.  I don't know if he ever wrote anything else, stories or other poetry, but this poem may be one of the most cherished items I have because I know he must've loved me immensely if he'd written something like this.

My Granddad and Me

On December Eleventh from one to three,

I sat and played on my Granddad's knee. 

My temperament and demeanor was something to behold,

As I sat there enthralled without being told. 

The music was playing and the sun was quite bright,

As I listened and looked at the world with delight. 

My world is so small and requires some attention,

If only folks would allow it without all the pretensions. 

My Granddad doesn't encourage me to be cute or bright,

He lets me be me and do what I like. 

I jabbered and sputtered and took it all in,

As he watched with great joy and a silly little grin. 

He says no-no whenever he must,

But that's O.K. for I have violated his trust. 

He's reassuring and as loving as can be,

Especially those times I sit on his knee. 

All this is possible as you can see,

Cause I like him and he likes me. 

WHT

Thanks to my aunt, I know more now about what an incredible person my Granddad was, including more information about his service time in the Air Force.  So today, on Memorial Day, I remember him for the warm and lovely memories, no matter how foggy they may be, and am grateful to him, my Grandpa and my Uncle Mike for their contributions to our country.

Dear Republicans...

Republicans need to get in my vagina!

Yay for funny people!

Time flies at supersonic speed

Like, speed-of-light speed!  How is it possible that the year is almost half over already?!?!?!

Nothing major happening here.  We're such bland folks.

Since spring has arrived, complete with Friday 80's and Saturday sky poo, I've started mowing the lawn again (when there's no sky poo on it, of course).

I also got it into my head that I wanted to put a flower garden along the front of the porch.  At this point, we have no landscaping done to the front yard, but let's fix that!

So off we went, to burn some money in flowers and dirt.  I got only perennials because I don't want to re-plant and re-pay every year for new flower.  Without listing the actual scientific names, I can say that I have two species of shooting star (Montana native), some foxglove, and a flower I call honeysuckle because it has nectar you can suck out of the petals.  All in the purple color family.  So excited for them to all bloom!

Pictures will be posted when that happens....

Not only did we put in a flower garden, but I wanted it to be super pretty.  Naturally, this was a pain in the ass.

I wanted to use a rock edging on it.  So we went to Lowe's and we went to Home Depot, then we went to Kenyon Noble and came up with....jack shit!  Everything I saw was either too big for the little garden or too ugly because it's manufactured "bricks" of stuff.  Or both.

I wanted to be able to stack rock.  Natural rock.

Thanks to a know-it-all friend, I found a place that sells rocks.  Generally for construction and house-building.  So my 120 lbs. of rock came to a whopping total of $24.  Woo!

I found some beautiful shale in thinner sheets and chunks.  Then I broke it down more.  Into roughly hand-sized pieces.  The result isn't perfect, and will take some tweaking soon, but I love it!

First summer project 50% complete.  Now we move on to landscaping around the power boxes at the corner of the property.  A nuisance to try to mow around, so we need to find some rocks to plant there.

Next up, another pain in the ass--the ice cream maker.

I have to say, I never thought making an impulse buy at Costco for $20 would cost so much more.

I bought an ice cream maker.  I had a brilliant thought that, Hey, I can make my own delicious, organic, healthier-I-hope ice cream/sorbet/frozen yogurt at home!

I bring it home, unpack it, almost beside myself with glee that I can make my own ice cream.  The Mister LOVES ice cream in the summer.  He gets this ridiculous chocolate and peanut butter concoction from Coldstone, usually by the quart.  I'm going to save us so much money!

....or not.

In order to make anything with fruit, I need a food processor to puree it.  And then I need a mesh strainer to get the seeds out.

Do I have either a mesh strainer OR a food processor?  Of course not!!  That would just be too easy!

Instead of spending the money on more stuff, I decide I'll take the ice cream maker back for a refund.

Instead of that happening, the Mister decides we need to go out and get a food processor and mesh strainer.  So instead of saving money and getting a decent ice cream maker for $20, we spent an additional $150 getting the other gadgets.  

Who needs to save money?  That's just silly talk.

Completely off-topic, I did hear this week that the person who replaced me at the former office is quitting.  She didn't even last a year.

I wish I could say I was shocked.

The Mister

I am a lucky, lucky girl.  I tell myself that at least a couple times a week.  Not because I'm trying to trick myself into believing it, but because it's true.

I'm married to a truly wonderful man.  Yes, he's fucked up, made mistakes, but so have I.  I still love him passionately and he, apparently, after knowing me for 13 years, still loves me.

The beginning of our relationship was rocky, an emotional roller coaster (I'm talking Six Flags here, people, not the county fair), but we've since settled into a supportive, encouraging, stable partnership.
He's let me be who I am--let me live with him in Canada with no expectations of getting a job since we were constantly "we'll leave next month", pushed me to finish my college education while working part time, and once he was in a position to support us both, let me know it was ok for me not to work if I didn't want to.
That's the hard part for me:  I was raised to believe I was an independent, strong woman who could do it all alone.  Then I fell in love and the man I'm with allows me to stay at home if I so wish.  And I do wish.  I also wish I could get a job in my field, since he really wanted me to finish school.
While I wait for that opportunity, I get to be an at-home wife, cooking and cleaning while he's out working to provide for us. When he comes home at the end of the day, I'm not exhausted from dealing with people all day long (which can be extremely exhausting for introverts) and he can tell me about his day, whether it was good or bad, without me having a negative reaction because of my own shit (like I did when I was at my last job).
I've never had any other romantic relationship, so I don't know how this compares, but to me it feels pretty damn awesome--but that could be because I'm a spoiled little shit.

Speaking of...

Jobs.  A couple months ago, a good friend of mine told me about a job opening that might be coming up this summer--a temporary, full-time position that (I thought she said) had to do with document scanning.  In my last two jobs, I've done that.  I'm pretty competent at it.  So I thought, hey, maybe I should apply for the job.  Especially since I know the people in the office and we've worked together in the past.
Then she suggested I contact her co-worker, who was my internship supervisor when I was in school.  We had a good working relationship then (and it's how I met my friend), so I e-mailed him today.
...And now I'm freaking out.

It turns out the job is full-time permanent.  And, from the bit he mentioned, it's got to do with mapping.
I LOVE maps.  Seriously, if I could study a new map every day, it'd be the best thing ever.
But, I was hoping for a part-time job.  I'm so fucked up in my head after everything that happened at the former job.  I'm afraid of going into another office environment and getting the same treatment from different people.  I'm scared that if I stay too long, people will start to get sick of me, act like a bully, or just have a bitchy attitude again.
This time, I know going in, to not pretend to be comfortable talking to people.  I don't want people to get offended because I suddenly want to be quiet--I have to be quiet going in.

And the GIS aspect scares the living daylights out of me, because it makes the job something that I probably won't be able to do at all, so, fuck.
So either I can do the job (with help in the beginning) and I'm back in a setting where I'm scared shitless.  Or I can't do the job, I'm not qualified enough, so I get turned down, again, for another job.

I'm going to go cry, throw up, or have a panic attack now.

A New Start

The Mister got a job, yay!
He's training at the home store on the other side of the hill (mountain pass) for a few weeks, then he'll be working closer to home at a satellite store that's being constructed right now.
After living with him 24/7 for 3 months, I thought for sure that I would have a hard time being by myself again.  It was nice to have the time together, but I'm happy he's got a job again because I know it'll help his emotional balance in a way that spending time together couldn't.
While I appear to thrive on time at home, he (as an extrovert) got a lot of enjoyment out of being around people all day.  He also feels that he needs to be the provider in our household, so he feels better making a living, too.
Unfortunately, we only have one vehicle, which he obviously has to take while he's training in another town.  So I'm homebound again.  And hoping that once he gets settled in at the satellite store, I can start chauffeuring him to and from work so I can use the car when necessary.  Which I seriously hope isn't too long, because I'd like to get at least a part-time job to help out.
I've found myself somewhat "haunted" by my previous job.  I can't seem to move on from the things that were said and done while I was there.  My biggest hope is that if I get another job, I can replace those workplace memories that still upset me with new, happier memories.

In the meantime, I get to play the housewife again while my man is out bringing home the bacon.

mmmm, bacon

Tough Decisions

Do I...get a really cute bag that screams out to me that, oh, you just have to have it because the outside is lovely but it's bigger than I want?  Bag screaming "Mel!! Pick me!!"
or
Do I get the practical bag that would be more organized and the right size?  Practical, organized Mel

Which, btw, so happy I'm not a shoe or bag or clothing fiend because HOLY HELL some of that shit's stupid expensive.  And me being my mother's daughter, I only like the expensive stuff.

I'll stick with my books and occasional Apple products, thank you very much.

If only they could tell me which bag to get....

3 weeks later....

The country is still debating women's reproductive rights.  Ugh.
How about I worry about my uterus and my uterus alone and everyone else can do what they want with theirs?
And if you have a penis instead of a uterus, close your mouth.
Whew, just solved that problem!
Next....

My birthday is in about 11 days.  And I want the day to mean something again.  I know, as a child, birthdays meant gifts and parties and ponies (ok, maybe no ponies, but you get my point).  Years after the giggling girls and painted toenails or whispering silly stories, I'm beyond wanting gifts.  However, my birthday should (hopefully) still be important for the people who care about me.  It's not like I'm asking for a crazy weekend trip to a far-off destination.
An unexpected phone call, card, or text is lovely.  Just to know that you remember me and the one day of the year that is, in a sense, "mine".  If I know someone's birthday, I make a big effort to let them know I'm thinking of them on that date, and wishing them well.
If you're close enough to where I am, a hug is the best gift.
In other news....

The Mister is still looking for work.  Really REALLY hoping it can be found here because I REALLY really don't want to move.  I love the life we have here, even if it means me joining the workforce again.
Thankfully, while he's home, we've really had no major irks or irritations with each other.  We're so comfortable around each other, it's odd.  Then again, we've never had a particularly volatile relationship.

Amber has an ear infection.  Again.  I think we're nearing the number 30 here.  She hates the ear drops, I hate giving them.  Because, first, I have to manage to get Amber to lay down--on the correct side, so I can get the correct ear.  This means trying to direct her, which she thinks means "Play, yay!".  And when she starts dancing around, Lily really gets going.  So when I finally manage to Amber calmed, on her side, and I'm trying to put drops in, Lily is prancing, dancing, and hopping all over the place because Mom's on the floor!  Play!
Apparently neither of them have caught on to the habit that when Mom says "ear drops" it doesn't mean the same as "play time".
Oh, to have the seemingly unlimited joy and playfulness of a dog...

And finally....
I haven't run in a few weeks.  The shin splints were too painful.  I'm disappointed and bummed out, but the weather's been freakishly warm, so I'm hoping to start taking the dogs to the park again.  Once everything melts and then dries out, because bringing home muddied dogs ain't my thang.

so frustrated!

With all of the discussion in the news about the Obama administration putting forth requirements for contraception for women, and all of the backlash from conservative and religious groups, I feel like screaming.

First, there's:  Women on panel protest lack of women's opinion in hearing

Hey, I've got an idea--why don't a group of women get together and make plans about how to treat men's health issues.  Especially whether their testicles can be cut off, or just force vasectomies on random men.  But wait!  That's not fair!  There's the prostate to worry about, too...

Then there's:  This shit-frosted turd cake

Put an aspirin between your knees?  Really?  Maybe this guy should put some medical studies in front of his eyes.
And if he's going to argue that there's "more important" things going on with the country than sex, he's clearly obtuse.  Worrying about the health and well being of the citizens of the country is a job for the leaders, as well as taking care of protecting them and, oh yeah, maybe helping PREVENT unwanted pregnancies for people who are unemployed and can't afford to even take care of their own needs, let alone another person's....

So many people argue that they don't want the government in their bedroom--but isn't that exactly what's happening here?  Instead of helping women see to their reproductive needs, conservatives are sticking to the same old abstinence, baby-making is our duty, and sex-is-for-baby-making-in-marriage-only lines.
I'm guessing that means sex, for women, is only supposed to occur in marriage, and then only for procreation.  However, if a man has needs before marriage, he's allowed to slut around and be "the man" as much as possible.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

It seems to me that lately there's been a very obvious, very backwards drive against women's rights from a political party.
Douchebags.

It pisses me off.
If someone took away my option to prevent pregnancy, and I couldn't find a doctor to sterilize myself or my partner because we're "too young" or haven't had enough kids yet (often-cited reasons for refusing sterilization, from what I understand), and I ended up getting pregnant with no option for abortion...I would become another statistic.
I said it.
Some people are meant to be parents, some people would be good parents even if they didn't want to have kids, and some women wouldn't even survive pregnancy with their sanity intact.

Random bits & pieces of media

I haven't posted any pics or video of the furkids recently, and since I have a surplus of random pics from the iPhone....

Glowing-eyed children at play

Lily takes the "I'm just laying here staring at you innocently" approach...and then....

Yes, I realize it looks like Smudge is being cornered & tortured by Lily the bully, but wait until :15.  What a tease!

Her royal Pudgeness.  She likes to sit in unflattering positions for some reason.

Lily holding down my foot, just to make sure it doesn't go anywhere.

Before you watch the video, be warned:  there's cussing (lots of it!) and Lily abusing the Mister.  Hence the cussing.

Back in the day, the Mister used to do this with Gunner--hide a toy behind him, or under him, or under a blanket, or in a hard-to-get spot--and tell Gunner to "fetch it up" because Gunner was a game dog.

Unfortunately, Lily doesn't understand the concept of retrieving the toy herself--she just jumps all over the Mister until he gives up and shows it to her.

Damage I did to my tongue.  I wasn't trying to pierce it, seriously.
But I had a very sore tongue for a few days.
Biting tongue not recommended.
Listen, my life isn't all fuzzy animals and funny Misters.

The freezer full of soups!  And wild game meat...

This is the Mister.  Shoveling.  In shorts.  And slippers with socks.  I believe he's got a cigarette in his mouth, too.
Classy

Driving home in the snow one night, we parked in the garage and I put my hand in the snow on the car hood and went in the house.
A few minutes later when I came back out to the garage, I saw the Mister had added his hand.
Awww! 

Smudge the "cat" helping herself to Amber's food.
I'm telling you, she thinks she's a dog.

Amber staring at me.  She does this all the time--rests her head on the edge of the coffee table and looks at me with that precious face.
Awwww!