If you own a TV, know a teenager, or look at bestseller book lists, you probably know who Kristen Stewart is. She plays Bella on the Twilight franchise movies. It's the role she's probably best known for.
She made a movie a few years ago that far out shows Twilight (and I'm a Twilight fan!).
If you want to watch a movie that'll make you emotional, that'll make you relate, that will make you upset and inspired by strength, I recommend the movie Speak.
I watched it for a second time today--I saw it a few years ago. I'd watch it again, in another few years. It's not one that'll necessarily be on your to-buy list because it can be hard to watch.
Without giving too much away, Kristen's character is a teenager in high school.
If you've ever felt like an outcast, you'll relate to her.
If you've ever felt like the only way you can communicate isn't with words, you'll understand.
I'm a big supporter of the arts in public schools. I'm not saying math & science aren't important, but if a kid excels at something, let them continue to excel, even if it's with an instrument, a paintbrush, or with poetry.
I've heard of art therapy for some people who just can't talk about something that they're dealing with. This movie makes me more appreciative of good teachers, supportive educators. I have a friend who is an art teacher in middle school. Some of the worst years of a kid's life are middle school years. It's no surprise her class is one of the most popular electives to take, since so many kids need to let out their fears, rage, frustration, joy or any other range of feelings with art.
If you have a couple of hours to feel, watch Speak. I hope it'll affect you.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Hauntings
It's been almost 2 weeks since I got my car. In that time, my neuroses have reared their shitty little heads.
I've had numerous dreams about the previous boss and supervisor following me to other jobs, which I had to quit thanks to their presence. I dreamt I was back at work and it was torture, literally.
Apparently now that I have a car, my subconscious brain has reconnected vehicle with job. I may have to go in for hypnosis to wipe their memories from my brain so I can survive daily.
Our houseguest Annie is a barker. As a larger dog, this means she's a LOUD barker. And she barks A LOT.
Thankfully, her owner found a place to live and Annie will be going home with her humans later this month.
Tallulah has a whopping 600 miles on her odometer. Leaving the house whenever I feel like it has never felt so good. And every time I get in the MINI, I realize I'm really an adult now, driving a practical (but fun!) car. I miss Nigel and his zippy performance. But with winter coming, I'm happy for Tallulah and feeling more secure.
Perhaps in a few years I can buy another Cooper and have it for a summer car. You know, after I get the perfect job and the Mister is finally happy and pain free.
The Mister was missing Gunner yesterday. A small, mix-breed puppy was brought by and the owner asked if anyone wanted it. The Mister called me to find out how I felt about it.
With 2 Goldens, a guest German Shepherd-mix, and a cat....sure, why not. I need less sanity in my life.
We decided against it after he came to his senses. He's missing his buddy and I understand. I honestly wouldn't mind another dog, just not one so small. (Chihuahua/Yorkie/Jack Russell mix)
And I know he wants another Jack Russell, so maybe in a few years, when I have another Cooper, and that perfect job, we'll get another dog.
With Gunner being gone for 18 months now, which doesn't seem that long, and everyone saying how old Amber is, I'm getting scared about her health and age. I'm haunted by saying goodbye to Gunner and how he went to sleep. Amber's been my companion for 9 years now and I just can't imagine not waking up to her by my side every morning.
Ugh. In that shiny happy future, I want an Amber who lives with me til the end of my days.
In the meantime, I've got a cat who insists on sitting in front of my monitor when I try to type. Transparent she's not.
I've had numerous dreams about the previous boss and supervisor following me to other jobs, which I had to quit thanks to their presence. I dreamt I was back at work and it was torture, literally.
Apparently now that I have a car, my subconscious brain has reconnected vehicle with job. I may have to go in for hypnosis to wipe their memories from my brain so I can survive daily.
Our houseguest Annie is a barker. As a larger dog, this means she's a LOUD barker. And she barks A LOT.
Thankfully, her owner found a place to live and Annie will be going home with her humans later this month.
Tallulah has a whopping 600 miles on her odometer. Leaving the house whenever I feel like it has never felt so good. And every time I get in the MINI, I realize I'm really an adult now, driving a practical (but fun!) car. I miss Nigel and his zippy performance. But with winter coming, I'm happy for Tallulah and feeling more secure.
Perhaps in a few years I can buy another Cooper and have it for a summer car. You know, after I get the perfect job and the Mister is finally happy and pain free.
The Mister was missing Gunner yesterday. A small, mix-breed puppy was brought by and the owner asked if anyone wanted it. The Mister called me to find out how I felt about it.
With 2 Goldens, a guest German Shepherd-mix, and a cat....sure, why not. I need less sanity in my life.
We decided against it after he came to his senses. He's missing his buddy and I understand. I honestly wouldn't mind another dog, just not one so small. (Chihuahua/Yorkie/Jack Russell mix)
And I know he wants another Jack Russell, so maybe in a few years, when I have another Cooper, and that perfect job, we'll get another dog.
With Gunner being gone for 18 months now, which doesn't seem that long, and everyone saying how old Amber is, I'm getting scared about her health and age. I'm haunted by saying goodbye to Gunner and how he went to sleep. Amber's been my companion for 9 years now and I just can't imagine not waking up to her by my side every morning.
Ugh. In that shiny happy future, I want an Amber who lives with me til the end of my days.
In the meantime, I've got a cat who insists on sitting in front of my monitor when I try to type. Transparent she's not.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Broken
I've known for awhile that there's something wrong with me. Even as a child, I tended to prefer the company of adults to kids my age.
I didn't like doing things in groups, I wanted to have only one or two friends.
As I got older, into my teenage years, I didn't socialize like my peers. I enjoyed staying home, in my room, reading books. I went "cruising" on Main a couple nights a week during the nice weather months, but overall, I tended to distrust people I went to school with.
I was a loner. I didn't try to fit in with the "in" crowd. I didn't drink booze, I didn't smoke weed, and I wasn't having sex with anyone who wanted it.
At one point, my Mom even told me to "get a life!", which was ironic, considering most parents would probably like their kids to be home more, not less.
The internet became my chance to be social without actually being around people. I could talk to people I liked and ignore people I didn't and no one cared.
As I matured, became who I am today, I've learned to accept myself, and my faults, despite the fact that they make my life more difficult. I assumed that I was an anti-social, sometimes bitchy, small-talk hating loner and there was no point in beating around the bush about it, life had helped make me what I am.
And then I started reading a book a few months ago. A small, ordinary-looking book. What happened once I started reading was anything but ordinary. I don't say it lightly, like it's just another eye-opening book. This book has actually changed the way I see myself and how I cope with the world.
I'm reading a book about introverts. It turns out I'm a very introverted person. I didn't "become" an introvert, I was born this way, with this temperament, and I couldn't change it any more than I could change my blue eyes or dimples (despite how much I'd be happy to not have comments about the damn dents in my cheeks).
According to the book, 1 in 4 people are introverted. That means a big majority of people are extroverts. The world is ruled by extroverts.
And while I'm learning about being an introvert, it's not likely extroverts are trying to learn about my minority. Which is fine, I suppose, but that doesn't mean I'm going to change how I behave to make their lives easier since they don't understand me.
There are very interesting things about introverts: they're not big on chit chat, but like to have meaningful, meaty discussions. They feel more comfortable talking while sitting versus standing. In large groups, they're likely to shut down and not say much or anything. In small groups, with people they're comfortable with, they may not shut up. They tend to have an impressive long-term memory and know a wide-array of information. On the flip side, it takes them awhile to think through things compared to the quick-on-their-feet reactions of extroverts. An introvert can happily sit in a quiet room by themselves and be quite comfortable. If an extrovert tried to do that, they'd be antsy and anxious and bored out of their mind.
The brain in introverts even runs differently than in extroverts. While extroverts brains tend to be happy with dopamine and adrenaline, introverts get extremely worn out by those neurotransmitters. Introvert's brains instead get happy with acetylcholine (ACH), which effects REM and long-term memory storage in the brain. It also tends to run a longer path through different parts of the brain than the dopamine/adrenaline mind.
Pretty interesting stuff.
Talk about a personal awakening for me. For so long I've wished to be different, more open, more friendly, more outgoing. And I can probably work really hard on those things and be a little better at them with time. But for the most part, I am who am, and who I was years ago, for the rest of my life. I'm not broken, there's nothing wrong with me (despite what most extroverts, and former co-workers, think), I just need to learn how to move through life with different tools than most other people.
I have to focus on sustaining my mental energy, realize what my limitations are and work within personal boundaries.
I'm only halfway through the book, but I think I can honestly say I've never read a more important book for myself in my life. The shame and guilt of being different and broken is gone. I'm just an introvert.
Now if only I could stop wanting to tell my old supervisor and boss to go fuck themselves in the ass with a pine cone for fucking with my head and making me doubt myself.
I wonder if there's a book out there for that....
I didn't like doing things in groups, I wanted to have only one or two friends.
As I got older, into my teenage years, I didn't socialize like my peers. I enjoyed staying home, in my room, reading books. I went "cruising" on Main a couple nights a week during the nice weather months, but overall, I tended to distrust people I went to school with.
I was a loner. I didn't try to fit in with the "in" crowd. I didn't drink booze, I didn't smoke weed, and I wasn't having sex with anyone who wanted it.
At one point, my Mom even told me to "get a life!", which was ironic, considering most parents would probably like their kids to be home more, not less.
The internet became my chance to be social without actually being around people. I could talk to people I liked and ignore people I didn't and no one cared.
As I matured, became who I am today, I've learned to accept myself, and my faults, despite the fact that they make my life more difficult. I assumed that I was an anti-social, sometimes bitchy, small-talk hating loner and there was no point in beating around the bush about it, life had helped make me what I am.
And then I started reading a book a few months ago. A small, ordinary-looking book. What happened once I started reading was anything but ordinary. I don't say it lightly, like it's just another eye-opening book. This book has actually changed the way I see myself and how I cope with the world.
I'm reading a book about introverts. It turns out I'm a very introverted person. I didn't "become" an introvert, I was born this way, with this temperament, and I couldn't change it any more than I could change my blue eyes or dimples (despite how much I'd be happy to not have comments about the damn dents in my cheeks).
According to the book, 1 in 4 people are introverted. That means a big majority of people are extroverts. The world is ruled by extroverts.
And while I'm learning about being an introvert, it's not likely extroverts are trying to learn about my minority. Which is fine, I suppose, but that doesn't mean I'm going to change how I behave to make their lives easier since they don't understand me.
There are very interesting things about introverts: they're not big on chit chat, but like to have meaningful, meaty discussions. They feel more comfortable talking while sitting versus standing. In large groups, they're likely to shut down and not say much or anything. In small groups, with people they're comfortable with, they may not shut up. They tend to have an impressive long-term memory and know a wide-array of information. On the flip side, it takes them awhile to think through things compared to the quick-on-their-feet reactions of extroverts. An introvert can happily sit in a quiet room by themselves and be quite comfortable. If an extrovert tried to do that, they'd be antsy and anxious and bored out of their mind.
The brain in introverts even runs differently than in extroverts. While extroverts brains tend to be happy with dopamine and adrenaline, introverts get extremely worn out by those neurotransmitters. Introvert's brains instead get happy with acetylcholine (ACH), which effects REM and long-term memory storage in the brain. It also tends to run a longer path through different parts of the brain than the dopamine/adrenaline mind.
Pretty interesting stuff.
Talk about a personal awakening for me. For so long I've wished to be different, more open, more friendly, more outgoing. And I can probably work really hard on those things and be a little better at them with time. But for the most part, I am who am, and who I was years ago, for the rest of my life. I'm not broken, there's nothing wrong with me (despite what most extroverts, and former co-workers, think), I just need to learn how to move through life with different tools than most other people.
I have to focus on sustaining my mental energy, realize what my limitations are and work within personal boundaries.
I'm only halfway through the book, but I think I can honestly say I've never read a more important book for myself in my life. The shame and guilt of being different and broken is gone. I'm just an introvert.
Now if only I could stop wanting to tell my old supervisor and boss to go fuck themselves in the ass with a pine cone for fucking with my head and making me doubt myself.
I wonder if there's a book out there for that....
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Dangers of Ordering a MINI
I've mentioned a couple of times now about my difficult wait for my new car. While being carless.
Here, I will list all 1111 difficulties we've had while waiting for the car.
Here, I will list all 1111 difficulties we've had while waiting for the car.
- The hard part: building the MINI you want, with all the options you want/need, and still making it affordable. I avoided this altogether by simply loading up the car with all the bells and whistles that looked fun and avoiding what the final price was. Kind of.
- Sending the configuration to a dealership. Getting a salesman/Motoring Advisor (MA) to place my order and give me a production number so I can start obsessing about where it is in the process of being built.
- Stalking my car. Seriously. Multiple times a day, I checked the MINI website to see if somehow, magically, the car was in Colorado 2 weeks after I ordered it. Alas, this was not to be the case. Logically I understood this. My inner stalker didn't.
- The agonizingly slowwwwwwwwww trip the car takes from the factory, across the Atlantic, through the Panama Canal, up the west coast to port in southern California. The longest part of the whole process.The approximately 1100-ish waking hours spent at home unable to drive. Torture. Pure torture.
- The approximately 1100-ish waking hours spent questioning whether I got the right bells and whistles. Should I have gotten the anthracite headliner? Or should I have gotten the split rails instead of the single? Why didn't I get the Polar Beige color line!? OMG, what if I hate my car when it gets here!?!?!!?!?!?
- The approximately 1100-ish waking hours that can be spent online in MINI communities talking to other MINI owners about their cars, and waiting, and options, and seeing pictures of cars that look just like what I think mine will look like and HOLY HELL CAN THIS TAKE ANY LONGER?
- The unfortunate realization that, yes, it can AND will take longer. Because my MA is a schmuck. The Mister approves of him, but I'm way over him now.
- We can't start any paperwork process until the car actually gets to the dealership's lot in Denver. So we wait. And wait. And wait some more. Again.
- Deciding what type of lease to do. The Mister takes the reins on this one because he's in the business. Back and forth with the MA. Yes to this, no to that, can we please get this taken care of?
- The car is waiting at the dealership. I'm waiting in my house. The MA just can't seem to find the single finance person who works for all 4 branches of the dealership.
- Finally, the paperwork gets here. But wait! There's charges on here that the Mister and MA both agreed wouldn't be on there! Oh wonderful, we get to wait for more paperwork to be printed and sent? Fabulous!! Please! Take your time.
- Once all is said and done, paperwork is received by the dealership, they can finally ok the car to be transported here on a truck.
- 2-3 days after that, I might get to drive it. Maybe.
Next time, I'm getting a used car off the lot. Or just never getting another car ever again in my entire life.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Hairy Houseguest
We recently acquired a houseguest. The best kind of houseguest--the furry kind, with four paws, and droopy ears.
Her name is Annie and we're watching her for a few weeks while her humans try to find housing that allows her to live with them.
She's a german shepherd mix, Amber's age, and she has stinky breath and a sensitive nose. She's been with us for a couple of weeks now and seems to fit right in with everyone. Except Smudge.
Annie's never been around a cat before and really wants to "meet" Smudge. Unfortunately, Smudge, for whatever reason, took an immediate dislike to Annie and refuses to come out of her room.
Smudge is acting like I did when Mom & I moved into Dad's house--hissing, running away from, and generally trying to ignore the new reality. Poor kitty....
Her name is Annie and we're watching her for a few weeks while her humans try to find housing that allows her to live with them.
She's a german shepherd mix, Amber's age, and she has stinky breath and a sensitive nose. She's been with us for a couple of weeks now and seems to fit right in with everyone. Except Smudge.
Annie's never been around a cat before and really wants to "meet" Smudge. Unfortunately, Smudge, for whatever reason, took an immediate dislike to Annie and refuses to come out of her room.
Smudge is acting like I did when Mom & I moved into Dad's house--hissing, running away from, and generally trying to ignore the new reality. Poor kitty....
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Slow Government Processing
We've had our fair share of dealing with the federal government as we applied, paid (a whole hell of a lot!), and waited for the Mister's immigration paperwork to be processed. We did that loop-d-loop 3 times--first for his conditional residency, then for his permanent residency, and finally for his citizenship.
Through all these filings, we got a feel for how speedy the government is in processing stuff for it's citizens: Not very speedy at all.
So when we applied for our passports on 9/29, we expected not to get them until November. It was a pretty big shock when they showed up in the mail yesterday--2 1/2 weeks after we applied. I think this may be one for the record books.
The federal government processed something in 10 business days! Wow!
Through all these filings, we got a feel for how speedy the government is in processing stuff for it's citizens: Not very speedy at all.
So when we applied for our passports on 9/29, we expected not to get them until November. It was a pretty big shock when they showed up in the mail yesterday--2 1/2 weeks after we applied. I think this may be one for the record books.
The federal government processed something in 10 business days! Wow!
Friday, October 14, 2011
The curse of the import car
I sold my beloved MINI Cooper S "Nigel" on August 8th. The week prior to that, I ordered a new MINI Countryman S All4. Since I knew what I wish I'd gotten with Nigel, I practically loaded up the Countryman.
It went into production in Austria mid-August and got on a ship mid-September. It's now at the dealership in Colorado, waiting to be picked up.
The only issue is...the salesman/MA (motoring advisor).
Apparently he doesn't understand how anxious I am to have a car to drive. He doesn't realize that I haven't had a vehicle of my own in 9 weeks. And he's taking his sweet time doing whatever he's doing down there.
It's not a matter of just hopping in the car and popping down to the dealership to pick up the new car. Nooooo, we only live 750 miles from the dealership.
And we're getting the new car shipped here. Which means extra days before I can drive it.
It's just a mess. I'm getting incredibly frustrated and pissed off with the MA, but there's nothing I can do. He claims he's just trying to get stuff cleared by the finance person there. One finance person for 4 dealerships. wtf? Are you kidding?!
If I don't throw my hands up over all this BS, I'm definitely not using that dealership again.
Why oh why oh why is it so much to ask for a MINI dealership in my area code?
blah.
Monday, October 10, 2011
a day after a weekend
This weekend a few things happened:
I woke up. I napped. I made food. I went shopping.
3 dogs rassled. 2 dogs chased the cat. 1 dog stared at me with quiet devotion.
The Mister cleaned up dog puke.
The dogs tracked in dog poo from the back yard.
Me and the Mister cleaned poo off the floors. I mopped.
I rearranged the pantry.
The Mister napped. The Mister watched foozball. Go refs!
Today, a few more things will happen:
I'll check the mail. I'll pick up dog poo in the back yard. I'll mow for the last time in 2011. I'll pretend to be sad about that, but secretly I'll be giddy with joy.
I might nap. I'll probably watch a movie. I'll empty the dishwasher. I'll make dinner in a crock pot. I'll try to figure out a way to use my education in a job. And probably come up with nothing.
I'll repeatedly check the status of my car. It's close. It might be here next week.
I'll imagine driving my new car next week. I'll think of the new car smell and all the bells and whistles I can play with and learn.
I'll hug and kiss the Mister. And kiss him some more, because I can. Because he's my Mister.
I'll kiss Lily's face. She's got a soft face that just begs to be kissed. I have to kiss it at least 10 times a day, or my day just isn't satisfying. I'll make sure to kiss Lily after I kiss the Mister so he doesn't get itchy.
Wine may be included at some point.
I woke up. I napped. I made food. I went shopping.
3 dogs rassled. 2 dogs chased the cat. 1 dog stared at me with quiet devotion.
The Mister cleaned up dog puke.
The dogs tracked in dog poo from the back yard.
Me and the Mister cleaned poo off the floors. I mopped.
I rearranged the pantry.
The Mister napped. The Mister watched foozball. Go refs!
Today, a few more things will happen:
I'll check the mail. I'll pick up dog poo in the back yard. I'll mow for the last time in 2011. I'll pretend to be sad about that, but secretly I'll be giddy with joy.
I might nap. I'll probably watch a movie. I'll empty the dishwasher. I'll make dinner in a crock pot. I'll try to figure out a way to use my education in a job. And probably come up with nothing.
I'll repeatedly check the status of my car. It's close. It might be here next week.
I'll imagine driving my new car next week. I'll think of the new car smell and all the bells and whistles I can play with and learn.
I'll hug and kiss the Mister. And kiss him some more, because I can. Because he's my Mister.
I'll kiss Lily's face. She's got a soft face that just begs to be kissed. I have to kiss it at least 10 times a day, or my day just isn't satisfying. I'll make sure to kiss Lily after I kiss the Mister so he doesn't get itchy.
Wine may be included at some point.
Friday, October 07, 2011
Cleaning house
As I posted before, I found some old pictures to go through recently. It started a bit of a frenzy for me. I ended up going through all of my hard copy pictures. And I threw a bunch out.
In a strangely therapeutic move, I got rid of all the pictures of the paternal grandmother and biological father. It's very odd to me, that I've had these pictures for years, and I don't see them very often at all, but removing them from my collection felt like clearing bad memories out of the house.
Someone asked me, "Are you sure you won't want those at some point later in your life?" Since I have no positive feelings about those people, then no, I don't think so. It's not like the feelings are going to magically turn bright and shiny and happy.
I have no good feelings for my biological father. Most of the memories I have of him aren't good.
As for my grandmother--well, she and her son seemed to be a team of some sort. She preferred him to my aunt, who has to be the most loving person I know. Grandma repeatedly laid guilt trips on me for not attempting to keep contact with her son. As she grew sicker, she turned it into a "life's too short..." lecture. She was under the impression that he was perfect, I wasn't giving him a chance, and I needed to be the one making sure we kept in contact.
Needless to say, removing all those images from my collection felt like a really big relief. I took a long, cleansing breath after I was done and now I'm moving on...