Oh, the whooshing!

In March 2011, I came down with a cold.  It was the standard head cold--plugged nose, scratchy throat, and occasionally plugged up ears.
It lasted a few days and went away, except for one symptom: noise in my ear.  Not just any noise, not a ringing or a roaring, but a whooshing sound, like the sound of a heartbeat on an ultrasound.  Very distinct, and sometimes loud enough that I couldn't concentrate.
So I saw my doctor, who basically told me it was because I had a blocked eustachian tube that was keeping fluid in my ear.  The tube was blocked because my tonsil was swollen, from being sick.  She told me to give it a few weeks and hopefully it would clear up.
I waited a few weeks, which turned into a couple months, and when I went back for my physical in the summer, I told her the noise was still there.  Her reaction was basically a shrug and she told me to wait longer still, since those tubes can be tricky.

I waited.
And I waited.
And I waited some more.
The noise never went away.  Sometimes it was quieter, and if I forced myself to concentrate on relaxing and breathing carefully, it would almost disappear.  And sometimes, generally at night, it would get so loud that I'd be unable to get to sleep.
When I saw my doctor last summer for my physical, I told her again of the noise and she told me that maybe I should get my hearing checked, to make sure I hadn't had any hearing loss.  Yes, the noise was that loud--it drowned out the sound of other things unless they were really loud, too.
Well, I went one better:  yesterday, I saw an Ear Nose & Throat specialist.  He looked in my ears and mouth with some funky instruments--and couldn't find anything visibly wrong.  He looked at the MRI I had done when I had the eye drama and didn't see anything wrong with my ear in that, either
But, he gave me a name--veinous hum (which sounds like "venus hum", which sounds like a sex trick to me--but I'm a perv).
Apparently I have a blood vessel pressing up against something in my ear, and the flow of blood is causing the noise.  My options for treatment are surgical; I can have them tie off my jugular vein on the right side, but he said that more blood vessels would grow in, so it's not likely to work in the long run.  Or he could try to find the blood vessel, which is likely minute, and "disconnect" it.  The possibility of that working is even more unlikely because there's so many blood vessels and some are microscopic, so he wouldn't even necessarily be able to locate it.

So frustrating.  I'm beginning to think the right side of my head is going on strike.  At least I don't hear voices in my ear, though...

yet.

Closing a Chapter

....or so I thought.

I was fully prepared for 2012 to be over and 2013 to be the start of a great year.
Last year sucked.  Hard.  It was the worst year I can remember having.  So bad, in fact, I can't even bring myself to do a year-in-review because it might bring on a serious pity party.

As the Mister & I rang in the new year, I felt hopeful and optimistic and so sure that things were going to finally move into a more positive direction.
Well, that didn't really happen.
On January 2nd, the Mister lost his job.

For a second year in a row, the Mister doesn't have a job at the new year.

I feel like our life is going somewhere dark and depressing.
blah.

Bits & Pieces

Stuff seems pretty random and scattered right now.  Current events include:

A big, white, long-haired kitty is staying with us.  He doesn't like the dogs, but he wants to be friends with Smudge.  Smudge, however, doesn't like him and seems to prefer having her head chewed on by Lily.  So the new kitty, named Winter, has been with us for a little over a week--we thought we'd try it out, having 2 cats.  He was a stray that the Mister picked up off the street where it appeared it'd been dropped off--right next to a very busy Frontage Road.
Now that enough time has gone by to gauge what we'd be dealing with if we kept him....we have to turn him into the animal shelter.  The hair is just too much for the Mister's allergies.  :o(
But I have a feeling he won't spend much time there before someone adopts him.  He's just too pretty.

I had another spot appear in my eye last week.  I also had a follow-up with the retina specialist on Friday.  He saw another spot of blood in the vitreous fluid of my right eye.  He has no idea what's causing it....so I'm seeing a neurologist tomorrow.  We'll see what happens.  Maybe I'm growing super powers?  One can only hope.

Last weekend was my work Christmas party.  4 couples.  Something the Mister & I rarely get to do--go out with a group and have a good time.  The food was good, I even had some red wine I liked, and I had SO MUCH FUN!  I LOVE the people I work with.  Seriously.  What a novel experience...working with adults who act rational and reasonable and let me do my job without interference.

We're not going to the Parents' place for Christmas this year.  I'm stressed about things pretty bad and I don't want the added stress of being around my siblings.  Thankfully, the Mom is understanding about it.

I made applesauce that turned out SO yummy!  I made it the way my Grandpa used to make it.  And it's the best damn applesauce I've ever had.
Now, I'm hoping to make some apple jelly with the trimmings.  A bit intimidated, but willing to try.

And before I let myself feel too confident in the kitchen....I tried to make an apple crisp over the weekend.  It didn't turn out awesome.  Even I can screw up.
Flour is the difference between apple crisp and apple glop.  BIG DIFFERENCE.

The Holidays

If there's any period of time when I feel more out of sync with the rest of the world, it's during the holidays.  My introversion definitely becomes more difficult to manage for these precious few days at the end of the year.
Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I feel myself retreat more than usual.  It's supposed to be a time of happy families, togetherness, and warm memories.
For me, however, Thanksgiving isn't really a holiday.  The Mister always works the day after, so we never get to go anywhere.  Yes, I get the time off, but it's just another day to me most years.  I don't like turkey due to the fact that I got sick from it one year when I was a kid.
Last Thanksgiving was difficult emotionally, so now I don't like the day even more.

Christmas is the hardest, though.  Even thinking about it puts me in a state of exhaustion.  Because Christmas has always meant going home, being surrounded by noisy, loud family.
I'm not denying that sometimes I enjoy myself, but for most of the time I'm home, I want to escape.  I literally have to force myself to stay--for the Mom.  She loves, adores and cherishes Christmas.  It's her favorite season.  She loves having all of her kids home (even though the other two live in the same town and stop by to see her frequently) together.  Since she's who she is, there's almost always other family & friends who spend Christmas with the family--Mom firmly believes in the concept of "the more, the merrier."

This year my sister has a new baby.  A colicky baby.  And I'm sure I'll be expected to hold the baby and be looked at by the rest of the family as though, this time, seeing THIS baby, more than any other baby I've ever seen, I will suddenly realize how empty my life is without one of my own.  Dad will most assuredly do this, since he hasn't seemed to hear what the Mister & I have said over the years.
The sister, of course, will try talking at me.  At me because I try to escape from her company as quickly and efficiently as possible.  It's an involuntary reaction.  It's a severe feeling of immediacy.  A reflex like nothing I've experienced before or in any other situation.  Mostly due to the fact that I fear what I will say to her, and thereby ruin the happy cheer of everyone else.
Then there's the brother--the one who I cringe to be in the same room with because I'm always on guard that he'll lash out at me with his bitter anger/distrust/disgust/unhappiness.
Between those two, I'm automatically like a turtle/armadillo/hedgehog--I just want to withdraw in to my own quiet world and feel the serenity of solitude.
Since my Mom has such a big heart, and is loved by so many, there's family & friends who come to visit while I'm home.  And no matter how hard it is, I force myself to try to be friendly.  I force myself not to leave the room, or the house, or the country.  Because it hurts Mom's feelings when I do.  And I hate to do that.  I hate being the person in the family she thinks will "love" everyone she knows, and I'm the least likely one to do so.

While everyone else is forming happy memories of togetherness, I've come to remember past Christmas times as tense, uncomfortable periods.  The physical reaction I'm currently feeling, just remembering, is fight-or-flight.  I just want to escape, because I don't want to fight.  I don't want to ruin the memories for other people, especially my Mom.  This is the time in my life, more than any other, that I truly wish I was someone else--someone who handled being surrounded by people better, with ease.

I wonder if I should ask Santa for a lobotomy for Christmas...

Happy sadness

In a perfect world, I would be jubilant today.  Everything I voted for or against would've been on the winning side.
I guess I could say I'm 95% happy at this point--the one thing I'm unhappy about at this point was the initiative that put extremely strict guidelines on medical marijuana in the state.  This is frustrating because so many other states are heading in the other direction, namely Washington and Colorado.
The tighter regulations here will mean, unbelievably, that money won't change hands for the product--no money means no taxes.  I firmly believe that marijuana, which has been shown to be used by a majority of Americans at least once in their life, should be legal and should be taxed, just like alcohol and cigarettes.
In Washington, an estimate of the possible tax revenues from marijuana was over $600,000,000.  In Colorado, where it won't be taxed as severely, the estimate was $60 million.  I imagine the numbers are so different due to state population size, number of users, and how much the product will be taxed.
Now, imagine if the rest of the country was allowed to tax legal marijuana.  I hope we're heading in that direction, I really do, because I think it's a viable option for our budget deficit.

In terms of other elected officials--my guys won.  The gubernatorial candidates ran vastly different campaigns.  One guy was supported by law enforcement officers and firefighters throughout the state.  People of authority, in my state, supported him.  So it wasn't hard to vote for him instead of his opponent--a former lobbyist that had out-of-state politicians in his party coming here to stump for him.
No idea why, but in another race it came down to facial hair.  I hate facial hair on most guys, mustaches in particular.  I voted for the guy with no facial hair and a long family history of farming in Montana.

There's other positions that went to people I didn't vote for, but overall I'm happy with how things turned out, especially nationwide.
Women won big this election--a record number of women in office in congress.  With crap abortion talk among republicans in the Midwest, it was a relief to see that men who believe rape is "God's plan" and women's bodies can "shut that whole thing down" after rape, were defeated by more (hopefully) rational people.

It was also great to see that same-sex marriage was made legal in some states, and the first openly lesbian candidate was elected, too.

And, most importantly, there were a lot of voters.  Over 100 million.  Considering that roughly 1/3 of the population of the entire country voted....that's pretty awesome.

Now I can only hope (silly, I know) that when Washington gets back to work, they actually do work--instead of trying to focus on blocking what the other party doesn't want (remember Mitch McConnell saying that the republicans needed to do everything they could to keep Obama from winning a second term?).  Impeding progress, to me, is equivalent to moving backwards.

Good/Bad News

When I signed up with a local staffing company, I was initially excited--new, different opportunities were bound to be part of my future.
I was interviewed a couple of times for temp-to-hire positions, but those didn't pan out.
Then I was set up for some normal temp gigs.  My first was at a law office.  My single day there, I was answering phones.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It wasn't horrible.
For my second temp position, I worked at an insurance company.  This was the situation where my eye went wonky and I was forced to miss some work, but they let me come back. It was a fun place to work--very laid back, friendly people there.  I was sorry to finish my 5-day assignment with them.
Temp spot #3 was on campus, at the university, working in the office where I'd interviewed for one of the temp-to-hire jobs.  This job lasted almost 2 full weeks, if I remember correctly. I was eager to be back on campus--I've missed it since I graduated.
It was a few weeks between then and my latest assignment--strangely, back at the law office where I'd worked my first day.
This week I worked there Wednesday thru today.  Since I've been there longer than just one day, I've gotten a chance to get more of a feel for the place.  And it was comfortable enough that when they mentioned that they were looking for someone to work permanently in the position I was temporarily filling, I told them I was interested.  They seemed to be interested as well (they asked the temp agency for me again to work these few days) and told me to bring in a copy of my resume.
So I did, on Wednesday--I came home at lunch, grabbed my nice resume paper and printed out a copy for every person in the office (all 4 of them lol).
Today, they called me into an office and told me they were, essentially, keeping me.  Adopting me?
I didn't have any kind of formal interview, probably because they'd all had a chance to work with me while I was there.
So....YAY!  That was my initial response.  It's been relatively easy working with them.  I only say "relatively" because I haven't been responsible for much yet.  But that'll change on Monday.

I'm extremely excited about the job.  I mean, yes, I've been looking and applying, but I wasn't sure where I'd end up, or even if I'd get a job.  Most of my tries have been for local government/university jobs, just because of the benefits--good health insurance, retirement options, etc., which are pretty important considering the fact that the Mister's job doesn't offer any bennies.  And, considering my previous experience working for local government, I was afraid I wouldn't necessarily feel secure in a new job in that field.

With this position, though, there's some bad news--I have no benefits.  None.  No health insurance, no retirement anything, no sick pay.  Very few days off.
That's the bad news.  Pretty much all of it, in fact.

The good news:

• It's a job
• The pay isn't minimum wage
• It's close to home--a 3 minute drive.  I can ride my bike in the summer
• It's quiet.  Not library quiet, but almost.
• There's not too many people to deal with.  The practice consists of a married couple and their friend, and a paralegal.  4 people.  While I know not a whole lot can be determined within 3 days, I feel comfortable there--they all seem like very rational, decent people.
• They all seem to be mature adults.  No catty women. 
• They each have their own office--nobody is watching me, breathing over my shoulder, looking for me to screw up.
• THERE'S NO GOSSIP.  None.  It's a law office, client confidentiality is very important.  I can't talk to anyone about anything I see or hear.  Such a weight off my shoulders.
• The practice is pretty new.  Yes, the attorneys have multiple years, decades even, under their belts, but they just formed a new practice together.  So...I get to kind of have input on things around the office as needed.  In fact, they already asked me if I knew of any art that might look good behind my desk.
• I get my own space.  It's a new office, a new space, and the furniture is new.  I can do what makes me most comfortable and that's the way it'll be.
• There are going to be times in which I am left all alone in the office for periods of time. Seriously.  My mind is blown.
• I get a key.  Already.  No joke.  
• They've had a chance to work with me and seem to like me.  They're "keeping"/"adopting" me.  So they must already be happy enough with how I work.

I know I'll have to make some decisions if I get offered another job that has bennies.

I know I'm likely to become very attached to this job if I get along with everyone--just because my previous job was so bad.

I know I won't be talking about the job at Christmas when I'm around my family.  My sister has worked as a paralegal.  I know if she finds out about where I'm at, she will never, ever, EVER stop talking to me about it.  One time she found out that we used the same razor to shave our legs.  She wouldn't shut up about it for a good 10 minutes.  Seriously.  A razor.  

Chemical Romance

Growing up, I had no idea what I wanted to be.  But I did know what I didn't want to do--anything remotely related to the sciences.  I'm not entirely sure why I thought that way.  In middle school, I had an Earth Science class with a funny teacher.  That was 7th grade....the following year, I was his TA for a class period.  Fine, great, good--a way to get credits without actually taking another class.
In high school, science credits were harder to come by--if I took Chemistry, I'd be dealing with a douchebag.  No one, and I mean no one, wanted to be in the Chemistry teacher's class.  Most students took his class only because they needed the credits.
The option I took was an Earth Science class--again--but this time it was a class in which almost everyone thought the credits were easy to get.  I was never happier than the day I finished that class and knew that I wouldn't have any more science-related credits to try for. I could concentrate on my favorite classes:  art, history and band.

That was 13 years ago.
Since then, I've attended college, discovered my passion (in a science field), and become something of a devoted science fan.  In my free time, if I'm not reading, I like to watch the Science Channel, National Geographic Channel, Discovery Channel, etc.   I'm glad to peruse the latest copy of National Geographic, or learn from something David Quammen wrote, if I'm not inhaling other novels.
Now I love science.  I'm a fan of I Fucking Love Science on Facebook.  There's always at least one new thing to discover every day.
Not quite sure how it happened, but contrary to my 18-year-old self's beliefs, I've found that science is just fucking awesome.
I'm fascinated by things as small as the synapses in the human brain, and as infinitely enormous as the universe.
Chemistry is still a foreign language to me, but I can't help but be thankful for it;  I'd probably be in a straight jacket right now if not for the wonderful power of chemistry.  After all, chemistry creates anti-anxiety meds.  And my life has been, for lack of a better phrase, fucked up for the past few months.  Badly enough that I've been thankful for medications.

In the day-to-day life we all live, I think we forget how unbelievable our existence is--things like bills, errands, jobs, wellness, and relationships consume our daily lives.
Our sun is a star; it's not special in any way, it's just another star among a universe full of stars.
If we counted all of the sand on the planet, every single speck of sand on Earth--it's a lot, isn't it?--it still couldn't account for all of the stars in the sky.  Seriously.

The above image is a pretty effective tool at blowing minds.  I know it's pretty famous.  It was taken in 1990, which is the middle of my anti-science focus, so I'm sure it had no impact on me.

It kind of looks like a science experiment dealing with rays of light.  There's reddish, greenish, and orange-tinged rays.  Maybe lasers?  Maybe it's a fuzzy picture of some kind of DNA with a single anomaly--the dot--that will finally unlock some long-time mystery.  Or it could be something else entirely, it could be an infrared image of Bigfoot walking on black top.  But it's something far simpler than that.

It's Earth.
It's Earth from the edge of our solar system.  That minuscule pixel is us, from almost 4 billion miles away.  Our planet is a Pale Blue Dot.  A speck of dust in an unimaginably vast emptiness.
How's that for perspective?

Sweet Issue

I have a problem.  I wouldn't go so far as to call it an addiction.  It's probably better described as a compulsion.  It's not fearsome or life-threatening.  But it's a bit strange.

I like to bake.

No, that's not the problem, although it is directly related to the problem.
I like to bake sweet treats.  Cookies, cakes, breads, and the occasional pie.  If it's got sugar in it, and it's some kind of indulgence, I'd probably like to make it.

The only problem with my baking habit is, well....I like to share my baked goods.  With anyone who wants them.  Yes, that includes mailing baked goods.  I don't know why I feel this need, I'm sure people think I'm a crazy wacko, but that's nothing new.

During Christmas season, instead of sending cards, I send peanut butter balls or pass along some shortbread.
During the fall, when squash varieties are in season, I might mail out some blueberry zucchini bread.
When I get a bee in my bonnet and decide to make snickerdoodles for no reason other than I want to try a new cookie recipe....I package up a dozen or two and send them to old friends and new friends.  The new friends, I imagine, consider me a nut job and worry for their safety...and never stick around long enough to become old friends.

I honestly don't know why I like to do it.  I can't count the number of times the Mister has been sent to work with a few dozen cookies, or some kind of sweet treat.
I'm compelled to share my sugary habit with people near and far.

It's not necessarily that I want people to like me for my baked goods, but possibly more because I think a treat is a simple way to brighten someone's day.
And I'm not even a people person!

Ugh.
So.weird.

Random Laugh

Yes, it's a little longer than most jokes....but it's work a chuckle.

Thanks to the Facebook poster who shared this

Another One Bites The Dust

Things are difficult in my life right now.  There's a lot of not-good things happening, but I'm somehow managing not to crawl into a hole and attempt to force my body into hibernation mode until things get better.  Hibernation wouldn't be possible, in any case, since my body is larger than a squirrel or mouse and therefore can't go into shutdown for months at a time.
Never thought I'd be jealous of a squirrel, but ANYWAY....

On top of everything else that's going on, that I mentioned in a previous post, the car (Tallulah), a MINI Cooper Countryman, is starting to ding at me.  A check engine light is coming on.
Now, for most people, this wouldn't be a big deal--just pop over to a local shop and get things fixed.  Unfortunately, (or fortunately) my car is a MINI.  And it's under warranty.  Which means if I want to get it fixed, I have to take it to a MINI dealer.  I can have it towed there on MINI's dime, but I'd have to get it back.  And it's the only car we own, which means getting the Mister to & from work could become an issue.  Ugh.

Following this possibly difficult and expensive problem is teeth.  Yesterday the Mister's teeth spit out one of his fillings.  Have I mentioned we don't have insurance?  Well, we don't.  So getting that fixed is yet another necessary expense.  And our dentist doesn't do payment plans.  blah

In normal situations when someone is going through all this kind of shit, they can rely on their friends to be there as a support.  As an introvert, I have few close friends that I feel I can rely on.  And the one I was closest to, A, told me this week that she has too much going on in her life right now to even listen to me.  Yes, she's got a lot going on, and I've tried to be a support for her as she faces the difficulties that have started in her life--even though I've got a holyhell shit-ton going on in my life.
So she's taking a "break" from me and my drama.  She says she's not ditching me, but honestly, how can she call herself a friend if I can't lean on her a little while my life slowly implodes?  I really valued her friendship, and I tried really hard to be a good friend for her.  But apparently it's just not what she wants/needs.  I guess I should've tried to have my life crumble at a more convenient time for her.

Now, at this point in my life, possibly my lowest low, when a lot of people in my position would probably be crying daily and even possibly considering suicide, and I'm trying to stay positive, I lose one of my very few supports.  And this is something that hurts more than any of the other crap going on.  Every other difficult thing going on was easier to handle because I had someone in my corner.  Now that's no longer the case.
Yet again, I feel like giving up.  I feel like it's probably best for my emotional wellbeing if I don't try to invest my energy and feelings into any more friendships.
And for the first time, with all this shit happening, I actually feel depression weighing on me.