I've known for awhile that there's something wrong with me. Even as a child, I tended to prefer the company of adults to kids my age.
I didn't like doing things in groups, I wanted to have only one or two friends.
As I got older, into my teenage years, I didn't socialize like my peers. I enjoyed staying home, in my room, reading books. I went "cruising" on Main a couple nights a week during the nice weather months, but overall, I tended to distrust people I went to school with.
I was a loner. I didn't try to fit in with the "in" crowd. I didn't drink booze, I didn't smoke weed, and I wasn't having sex with anyone who wanted it.
At one point, my Mom even told me to "get a life!", which was ironic, considering most parents would probably like their kids to be home more, not less.
The internet became my chance to be social without actually being around people. I could talk to people I liked and ignore people I didn't and no one cared.
As I matured, became who I am today, I've learned to accept myself, and my faults, despite the fact that they make my life more difficult. I assumed that I was an anti-social, sometimes bitchy, small-talk hating loner and there was no point in beating around the bush about it, life had helped make me what I am.
And then I started reading a book a few months ago. A small, ordinary-looking book. What happened once I started reading was anything but ordinary. I don't say it lightly, like it's just another eye-opening book. This book has actually changed the way I see myself and how I cope with the world.
I'm reading a book about introverts. It turns out I'm a very introverted person. I didn't "become" an introvert, I was born this way, with this temperament, and I couldn't change it any more than I could change my blue eyes or dimples (despite how much I'd be happy to not have comments about the damn dents in my cheeks).
According to the book, 1 in 4 people are introverted. That means a big majority of people are extroverts. The world is ruled by extroverts.
And while I'm learning about being an introvert, it's not likely extroverts are trying to learn about my minority. Which is fine, I suppose, but that doesn't mean I'm going to change how I behave to make their lives easier since they don't understand me.
There are very interesting things about introverts: they're not big on chit chat, but like to have meaningful, meaty discussions. They feel more comfortable talking while sitting versus standing. In large groups, they're likely to shut down and not say much or anything. In small groups, with people they're comfortable with, they may not shut up. They tend to have an impressive long-term memory and know a wide-array of information. On the flip side, it takes them awhile to think through things compared to the quick-on-their-feet reactions of extroverts. An introvert can happily sit in a quiet room by themselves and be quite comfortable. If an extrovert tried to do that, they'd be antsy and anxious and bored out of their mind.
The brain in introverts even runs differently than in extroverts. While extroverts brains tend to be happy with dopamine and adrenaline, introverts get extremely worn out by those neurotransmitters. Introvert's brains instead get happy with acetylcholine (ACH), which effects REM and long-term memory storage in the brain. It also tends to run a longer path through different parts of the brain than the dopamine/adrenaline mind.
Pretty interesting stuff.
Talk about a personal awakening for me. For so long I've wished to be different, more open, more friendly, more outgoing. And I can probably work really hard on those things and be a little better at them with time. But for the most part, I am who am, and who I was years ago, for the rest of my life. I'm not broken, there's nothing
wrong with me (despite what most extroverts, and former co-workers, think), I just need to learn how to move through life with different tools than most other people.
I have to focus on sustaining my mental energy, realize what my limitations are and work within personal boundaries.
I'm only halfway through the book, but I think I can honestly say I've never read a more important book for myself in my life. The shame and guilt of being different and broken is gone. I'm just an introvert.
Now if only I could stop wanting to tell my old supervisor and boss to go fuck themselves in the ass with a pine cone for fucking with my head and making me doubt myself.
I wonder if there's a book out there for that....
