Misery

I'm not usually someone who will write down all of the bad things, the negative things, the hard things that are going on.  I don't like to be depressed, I feel like I'm generally a rather optimistic person, even if things tend to drag me down every now and then.
I'm sure someday I'll look back at this time in my life and think that it only made me smarter/stronger/a better person.  But right now, it fucking sucks.
Right now, I want to just get it all out and over and done with, so I can hopefully move on.

I messed up this year.  Badly messed up.

The Mister was fired from his job the day after Christmas.  As of January 1, 2012 we were in a whole different stage of life.  Unemployed, uninsured, unmotivated.
Because of how well the Mister was paid, because of how unbelievably terrible my previous job was, I'd quit in June of last year.  At the time, we transferred to the Mister's company health insurance.  As of 1/1/12, we no longer had coverage.
Because of the fact that he'd always make more money than I would, in the business he's in, we decided I should wait to look for a job and see if he could get a job here so we wouldn't have to move to look for work.  It took a couple months, but he started at a new place on April 1.
In March, a friend told me about a possible job that was opening in local government, in her office, that I'd be perfectly qualified for--it was in my field, I had just the right amount of experience.  The only hitch--it wasn't going to be available for a few more months.
Since the Mister now had a job, and we had savings, I thought it'd be ok to wait for the new job.  I thought that it would be pretty stupid to go look for a job to last me a couple months, just enough time to get me trained, and then leave it to go for this other job.  I was sure I'd get the professional job--it was where I'd interned when I was in school, I was familiar with the office, it was a perfect job for me!
I contacted the person in the office in charge of the job and found out that they couldn't make the job announcement until the new budget went into effect--July 1.
In the meantime, the Mister's job wasn't as lucrative as his previous one.  Comparably, there was less stress at the new job, but more stress about money.  His wage was 60% less than he'd been making a year earlier.
July 1 came and went.  I waited patiently, and then impatiently, for the job to be posted.  Our savings was almost gone.  Yes, I know, hindsight is kicking my ass right now.
I found out the job wouldn't be posted until August or later, so I joined a temp agency.  I figured at least that way I'd still be available easily for the new job.
So, in August, I contacted a credit counseling organization.  We were going to be late on our mortgage payment for the first time.  I provided all the requested paperwork and we were told to wait to hear back.  Yes, the organization is non-profit, and trustworthy.
The job finally got posted, and while I had reservations about getting my hopes up by applying, I finally submitted my application in mid-August.  It was at this point that the ship started sinking...

The CC service didn't hear back from the mortgage company.  Apparently the package they'd submitted didn't go to the right department or something.  Earlier this month I was contacted by the mortgage company regarding the late payment.  I told them that we were working with a CC company to do a loan modification.  The mortgage company hadn't received any application for a modification on our account.  I called the CC company, told them what I'd been told, and the agent I'm working with told me that she'd re-send the package.  It wasn't officially received by the mortgage company until 9/11, a full 5 weeks after I originally gave the CC agent all the paperwork she'd requested.
Things in my friend A's life had been rocky earlier this month, problems with the kids, real-life stuff.  I feel like a wedge has been building between us and I don't know how to deal with the change in our friendship.
A week ago, my local close friend B called me to talk about her hard times.  She's a friend I've managed to keep since college--5 years ago--and we have a truly great friendship; we're both introverts, we both don't want/have kids, etc.  Just a lot in common.  Well, things have gotten shitty for her, so she's moving away.  The one person I know I can always rely on for a hug is leaving.  Ugh.
Then the eye thing happened.  That whole drama still isn't over.  In fact, it got worse this week.  While on lunch at my recent temp job on campus, I noticed a similar-looking spot in my vision--this time in my left eye.  The spots in my right eye had slightly diminished, though they're still there if I look for them.  The new spot in my left eye was very obvious.  Per doctor's orders, I called the eye doctor in town right away and they squeezed me in an hour after I called.  In the time between realizing I had a new problem and when I got to their office, I had a very mild panic attack.  I could breathe, but my chest felt tight and I couldn't focus on a damn thing.  So thankful that they only needed me for answering phones and directing (very few) walk-ins.
The doc ran a test, dilated my eyes, ran more tests and finally told me:  I see nothing wrong. The blood spots and swollen nerve in your right eye are no longer an issue and there's nothing I can see wrong with your left eye.  He once again suggested I see a neuro ophthalmologist.  I would, if I had insurance, or at least money to pay for it, but that's not happening right now.  I know that even if I did have the money, I'd still have to have someone there to drive me from whatever random rituals of torture the specialist would want to do to me--my eyes would likely be too fucked up to drive myself anywhere.
Because of my high blood pressure at the time, the doctor ordered me to go off my birth control pills, start taking a daily aspirin, and see my primary doc about something for my blood pressure.  I've stopped taking my 3-month cycle pills, started an aspirin if I don't already have a headache (stress likes to sit right in my shoulders), and the primary put me on a very light prescriptions for my blood pressure.

Now, as of today....
I'm a very, very unhappy basket case every month (instead of every 3)
I feel like I'm losing my closest friend (physically) and my closest friend (emotionally)
Financially, things are heading to the "extreme duress" category
And I officially got notice today that I'm not even going to be interviewed for the Dream Job.  I waited for nothing, for no reason.

Hindsight--yes, I should've gotten a job as soon as the Mister lost his.  And after he did get a job, I should've gotten a job then, rather than wait on the Dream Job.
I fucked up.  I fucked up really bad.

If I were a drinker, I'd be drunk right now.  If I were an emotional eater, I'd be binging.  Instead, I'm rather nauseated.  And I just want to go to bed.